I think the fifth-year of college should be called the "lost year." Cause that's how I feel right now. Freaking lost. College has pretty much ended but real life hasn't really begun. I'm caught in the middle. The space between...ya know? I'm not quite sure what the next step is, which is scary, confusing, and exciting all at the same time.
The question of "what am I going to do with my life?" is always lurking in the back of my brain. I know very well that I shouldn't be worried. But some important life-decisions need to be made soon. Let's just say I'm concerned, not worried. Very concerned :)
On top of all these life-changes that will be happening in the next year, something is missing. I knew this was coming. I also knew I couldn't be prepared, I just have to deal with it...
Last week. Friday night. Sitting in the stands at the UK women's soccer game. Watching the team walk across the field, exhausted, heads hanging in despair (because of tying a game they should have won). "The Rising" by Bruce Springsteen was playing on the speakers, (this song is played after every single home game and I can't get it out of my head). And that's when it finally hit me. Ten yards of green space and a fence is the closest I would ever get to being a college soccer player again.
I felt kinda sick to my stomach. This is what's missing. Something that I have been doing since I could walk. No wonder I'm so confused. It seems so stupid: kicking a round ball into a goal. But there's just something about it I guess.
I realize how ridiculous I sound right now. Give it up...right? Nope. If I were to go back in time and tell the 18 year old Kelsey that I was going to stop playing soccer at age 22, she would be freaking pissed. 'Why would you ever want to stop playing?' she would say. Great question, indeed. I miss it. I love it. I want to play again. And I will :)
"Sky of blackness and sorrow...Sky of love, sky of tears...Sky of glory and sadness...Sky of mercy, sky of fear...Sky of memory and shadow...Your burnin' wind fills my arms tonight...Sky of longing and emptiness...Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life...Come on up for the rising...Come on up, lay your hands in mine...Come on up for the rising...Come on up for the rising tonight..."
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