Friday, September 26, 2008

Some Friday-night lights and the #10 jersey.

I think the fifth-year of college should be called the "lost year." Cause that's how I feel right now. Freaking lost. College has pretty much ended but real life hasn't really begun. I'm caught in the middle. The space between...ya know? I'm not quite sure what the next step is, which is scary, confusing, and exciting all at the same time.

The question of "what am I going to do with my life?" is always lurking in the back of my brain. I know very well that I shouldn't be worried. But some important life-decisions need to be made soon. Let's just say I'm concerned, not worried. Very concerned :)

On top of all these life-changes that will be happening in the next year, something is missing. I knew this was coming. I also knew I couldn't be prepared, I just have to deal with it...

Last week. Friday night. Sitting in the stands at the UK women's soccer game. Watching the team walk across the field, exhausted, heads hanging in despair (because of tying a game they should have won). "The Rising" by Bruce Springsteen was playing on the speakers, (this song is played after every single home game and I can't get it out of my head). And that's when it finally hit me. Ten yards of green space and a fence is the closest I would ever get to being a college soccer player again.

I felt kinda sick to my stomach. This is what's missing. Something that I have been doing since I could walk. No wonder I'm so confused. It seems so stupid: kicking a round ball into a goal. But there's just something about it I guess.

I realize how ridiculous I sound right now. Give it up...right? Nope. If I were to go back in time and tell the 18 year old Kelsey that I was going to stop playing soccer at age 22, she would be freaking pissed. 'Why would you ever want to stop playing?' she would say. Great question, indeed. I miss it. I love it. I want to play again. And I will :)

"Sky of blackness and sorrow...Sky of love, sky of tears...Sky of glory and sadness...Sky of mercy, sky of fear...Sky of memory and shadow...Your burnin' wind fills my arms tonight...Sky of longing and emptiness...Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life...Come on up for the rising...Come on up, lay your hands in mine...Come on up for the rising...Come on up for the rising tonight..."

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

S'mores over candle light.

So, I've been here in Lexington for over 4 years and I am finally starting to really appreciate it. I live on an amazing little street known as Woodland Avenue. Three of my roommates graduated and moved out, while three new people moved in. It is weird living with new people after 4 years...but it's also great because it brings in a whole new dynamic. Directly across the street, 6 of our good friends/teammates moved in. They have added something that is one of the main reasons that I am loving Woodland even more this year....


Life-changing, for real.

A few nights a week, a bunch of us just sit out on that porch, people watching, talking , and strumming guitars. We often get into deep, meaningful conversations about Jesus and about life :) It has become one of my favorite places in Lexington. It has actually made me realize how much I am going to miss this place when I leave.

I know people say this all the time, but four years have gone by so incredibly fast. I am definitely not the same person. It's funny to think of who I was back 18 year old coming to a new and unfamiliar place; A student that had to figure out how to balance classes and homework without driving myself crazy; A soccer player stepping into a program that would push me beyond my mental and physical limits; A girl meeting teammates that have become my best friends and family; Just a person searching for more.

And now...I bleed BLUE; I am 22 years old and Lexington has become home; I am 4 classes (which don't stress me out anymore) and less than a semester away from graduating; I am a retired college athlete that knows what it takes and misses the uniform; I am no longer part of a team but the current and past players are my family for life; I am still just a person but, somewhere between the soccer and school and friends, I have found what it means to be alive.

So I sit on this amazing porch thinking about all this stuff. It makes me want to cry a little bit. But then I look around at the homeless person digging through the trash, and the people going out, and the cars going by. And then I look even closer at the people I'm sitting with. Some faces that I've known for 4 years, and others for only less than a year. These are the people that have gone through arguably the most challenging four years of life with me, and I with them. As my roomie roasts me a marshmallow over the tiny candle flame, I realize how much I love life and how much I appreciate the people God has put in mine.

I would like to travel back in time, as I am now, to ask that naive 18 year old 'me' what she thinks of who I have become now. There is still much growing/learning/changing to be done and I want the person that I have become now to be proud of the person I am yet to be, years from now.

It hasn't been easy. It never is, right? There are some things I regret but, mostly, I look back and smile. It's just another season of life. Stepping out of the house and onto the porch. Eventually I have to step off that porch and find a new path. There are so many paths and it's a bit confusing. So, for now, I think I will stay right here on the porch.