Perfect love is holding me.

"Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."
- James 1:23

Five years ago, this summer, I was playing on semi pro soccer team in Cleveland. We made it to the playoffs and drove down to Cincinnati to play in the first round against some team from Charlotte. I remember the day vividly. We played at a high school field and the temperature had to be at least 95 degrees, plus humidity. It's one of those games that you try to conserve your energy as much as possible and just try to make it through the first half until the sun goes down and the air starts to cool off.

My team was sitting in the shade getting our shin guards and cleats on, preparing to start the warm up. I jogged into the field house to go to the bathroom. As I was jogging back out to join my team I heard this noise coming from one of the locker rooms. I peaked my head around the corner without them noticing me. It was the team we were about to play. Someone was playing the guitar. The rest of them were standing with eyes closed and hands raised. They were singing songs about Jesus.

I started laughing to myself and thought "wow, these people are freaking weird." I went and got 2 or 3 of my teammates so I could show them how crazy these people were. We all started laughing and had some choice words to say about them. Singing about Jesus before a soccer game? What the heck is going on? Is this a cult?

After the game, in which they beat us 7-1, they asked us to pray with them. We all circled up and everyone put their arms around each other. Their coached prayed. I felt uncomfortable and I don't think I closed my eyes at all, I was just looking around at everyone thinking how weird it was that I was standing on a soccer field, angry after the loss...praying. Again...what the heck is going on? Weird.

Over the next year-or-two, God did a work in my heart & life. I'm not going into all the details here but, let's just say he completely transformed me from the inside out. A life that was "perfect" on the outside was filled with loneliness, confusion, and a 19 year old girl searching for something real. I searched in many places but couldn't seem to find it. Then I found that realness when the Jesus of the Bible jumped off the pages and became real and living, breathing air into my lungs. For the first time in my life I felt significance beyond all the awards I won and beyond all the things I could "do." In a life that was spinning out of control (only on the inside because I had to have it all together on the outside, of course), I finally found something solid to stand on. Something that was Truth. The relentless love of Jesus, through other people. A life that had come alive.

Let's fast forward to this summer. Five short years after that hot summer day. Remember "some team from Charlotte"? The Charlotte Lady Eagles. The funny part? I play for them now. Now I sing songs about Jesus before I play soccer. Weird...I know.

The reason I shared the verse at the beginning (James 1:23) is because I think it's easy to forget who I was. It's easy to forget what I was like and what I was doing & thinking before I collided with the grace and love of Jesus. I have NEVER BEEN THE SAME. Yet, I often take it for granted. I often "look in the mirror" and think that "I'm doing ok" or "I got this (life) under control."

Romans 3:23 says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." ALL have sinned...I have sinned. ALL fall short...I fall short. So...if I DON'T see that 19 year old (lost, lonely, confused) EVERY TIME I look in the mirror, I'm in trouble. Why? Because only if I see my unworthiness can I see God's greatness. Only if I see that I am nothing without Him can I be reminded of the "grace by which I have been saved, through faith- and this not from myself, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2: 8-9).

From Cleveland to Charlotte. From loneliness to joy. From confusion to Truth. From anger to love. From persecuting Jesus to living my life for his glory.

...all in the blink of an eye...

Don't ever forget who you were before the grace of God.

Don't ever forget that your sin is no match for his grace.

"My dead heart now is beating,
my deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs,
now I'm free, now I'm free..."
- Charlie Hall ("Marvelous Light")

Blowing things up.

I just returned from Colorado for two weeks of the Athletes in Action Ultimate Training Camps (UTC). This year I was on staff at UTC, but I have also attended camp as a college athlete. We had two separate weeks of camp, each consisting of 100-150 college and professional athletes from around the country. During the week, the athletes learn five "Principles." The Principles teach the athletes how to glorify God using the huge platform/influence they have been given. The main points address the following questions: who or what do you worship? what motivates you? how do you deal with pain/trials? does it matter how you live your life, today? Each of these questions are answered from a Biblical perspective. Athletes are under a lot of pressure both on and off the field and most of the information/images they take in throughout a typical day are from a worldly point of view. Many of the topics addressed at camp are radically different from what our culture tells us. In a world where we are told that pride is a virtue and success and power are important, Jesus calls us to humbly serve others before ourselves.

Let me tell you that God changes lives in 7 days.

Each of the two weeks ends with a Saturday night bonfire. At the end of the first week I laid on a bench next to the camp fire, staring up at the star-filled Colorado night sky. First, I started laughing to myself because I was thinking about how, four years earlier (when I was at camp as an athlete), I laid in that exact same spot, feeling very overwhelmed and a little confused. I had never been in a Christian environment before and, honestly, I thought the people were a little crazy. Really nice...but weird. Then I started to cry to myself because I was thinking about how, three years earlier (my second time at camp as an athlete), I laid in that same spot, staring up at those same stars. My heart felt like it was being ripped into two different directions, but I finally decided that if I was going to really follow Jesus I couldn't do it half-heartedly anymore. It was all or nothing. And I chose ALL.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you the lights went on, everything made sense, and it was easy from there on out. That would be a lie. And I'm not going to tell you that I haven't messed up. That would also be a lie. But I will tell you that I have never, not for one day, regretted that decision I made. Through lots of reading and praying and crying and the guidance & patience of others, God has seriously done a miracle work in my life over the last three years. God doesn't ever let me forget who I was before He changed me and I'm very thankful for that...I don't ever want to forget, because I don't ever want to think that I don't need Him.

That, my friends, is how I crashed into the life that is truly life.

I looked around at all the faces. I only got to know a few of them, but they all have a story. Many lives had been changed, some without them even knowing it. It was awesome to be on staff at camp and to be there to guide/mentor some of the athletes. Just as other people had loved me and shown me who the Jesus of the Bible is, I was given the chance to do the same. Humbling. That's the only word, because I quickly realized that most of the issues people were dealing with are so beyond anything I could say or do. I can't "fix." That's Jesus' work. I can just love and point them to what God says is true and He does the rest.

I want to tell you stories. But there are just too many. Open up the Bible and read one of the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). I can tell you that those people you will read about...those are the athletes I met at camp. I can also tell you that those people are me and they are you.

It's a beautiful day for God to change a life. Thank you, God, that you don't need me but you use me anyway.

Blue eyes and the touch of freedom.

"On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God." - Luke 13: 10-13

This woman doesn't have a name, but I have met her. For the sake of this post she will be named "Hope." This is a true story about how this gospel passage has jumped off the pages and into my life. Let me introduce you...

This woman (in the passage) has been "bent" for eighteen years. In another translation it says she was "bowed together," meaning she literally couldn't stand up straight. She was crippled and the only thing she could see, her entire life, was the dirt on the ground.  How painful. How degrading. How insignificant she must have felt.

For Hope, drugs, alcohol, and various forms of self-destruction were her "bent." On the outside she was perfect. A great athlete, straight-A student, 'perfect' family, and she was 'the life of the party.' On the inside...her heart was contorted beyond even her own recognition. Trying so hard to gain significance. She had faked out so many other people she had even faked herself out. And ironically (or not?)...all of this at the age of eighteen. 

Jesus is teaching and, out of the corner of his eye, he sees the woman. He doesn't stare at her with disgust. He sees her. Past the mangled mess. Into her.

Last June, Jesus saw Hope. He didn't see her the way you and I might have looked at her. He saw past the facade and into the heart that was screaming for life. I'm telling you, he saw her in a way that she felt it. 

Jesus called the woman forward. He didn't ignore or insult her. He says, "come to me." She probably couldn't see him, but I wonder if she could recognize her Savior's voice. Even more than that, he gives her FREEDOM. At this point, she is "freed," yet she is still crippled. So, what is the freedom Jesus is referring to? Kinda reminds me of another story where Jesus heals a paralytic. In Matthew 9, Jesus says to the crippled man: "Take heart, son: your sins are forgiven." The pharisees start to grumble and complain, to which Jesus replies, "Which is easier: to say 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins...Get up and walk." So, freedom comes not from our physical appearance, but from the grace that only Jesus can give...for our sins.

Jesus whispered, "Hope, come to me. Your sins are forgiven." The outward destruction that consumed her life didn't stop...yet. But something in her heart clicked. Or rather, a small flame was lit. For the first time in her life, she knew what real, genuine love felt like. The significance she had longed for and searched for had finally been found. 

Jesus touches the woman. Immediately she stands up, for the first time in eighteen years. The first person she gets to lock eyes with are the eyes of Jesus. Then she proceeds with the only proper response: praising God, skipping and dancing without shame, through the streets (my own interpretation). 

Jesus walked up to Hope and slowly, over the course of a few months, wrapped his arms around her. For the first time in eighteen years, Hope began to let go. Life is definitely not perfect and not always easy, but addictions and destruction have slowly become things of the past. I have literally watched real healing, drastic life change, and freedom from things that were going to kill her. No joke.

When I talk to Hope I see a glow. It's not just life...it is a daughter who has come alive. This is not just a story on a page. She has a name. She has a face. She is significant. 

Jesus looked Hope square in the eyes and her response was much the same as the woman. A little singing. A little dancing. A little crying. A heart and a life transformed and passionate to not just tell, but to show the world who Jesus is and how legit his healing and love really are. The small flame has become a forest fire.

This HOPE has changed my life. Look around, because I think you probably know her, and that HOPE will change yours.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13

Desperately undone.

"As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. 'Who touched me?' Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, 'Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.' But Jesus said, 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.' Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.'"
- Luke 8: 42b-48


I love this story because it's about our need. This story of the sick woman (she had been bleeding for 12 years!) is a story about us. It is also a story of the gospel: our need for Someone to save us. 


Jesus doesn't discriminate. He is on his way to the home of a wealthy ruler when he is "interrupted" by this very poor, sick woman. He doesn't hesitate for a second to find the woman in the crowd and heal her. He could have easily continued walking, ignoring her in order to stick  to his "schedule." 


Schedule...hahaha. Nothing in life is random. I think about the little "interruptions" I have in my day and how annoyed I get when my 'plan' is ruined. What a joke. These are actually divine opportunities for God to love his hurting people. 


What does Jesus do first? He heals her physically. She reaches out to grab his cloak and, the instant she touches it, her bleeding stops. Twelve years of bleeding stops in the blink of an eye. That's power. 


Verse 47 is my favorite one in this passage. Jesus turns around to find where his "power had gone out from him," but the woman hides in the crowd. Then, seeing that she CANNOT GO UNNOTICED...FALLS AT HIS FEET. The woman sees her NEED and knows that she can't hide from the King of kings. She is nervous and apprehensive, yet she doesn't say a word. What does she do? She just falls at his feet, vulnerable and exposed. So, now what does he do? He heals her soul. He calls her "daughter." What comfort and freedom she must have felt to know that she is now his. 


We may not be literally bleeding, but everyone's soul is starving. This woman is in a state of desperation. Not until we see our own need will we reach out to grab Jesus' cloak. The crazy thing is that we are desperate, but we're too busy hiding in the crowd- behind people and behind ourselves- to let Jesus heal us. 


Be relentlessly suspicious about your comfortable, satisfying life.


You'll meet Jesus when you need him as much as you need AIR.  


DESPERATION is the standard and reaching for his cloak is the only way. 

Beautiful mess.

Couldn't God have found someone better?

I ask myself this question as I think about how often I mess up. When I actually sit down and evaluate my life- wait, that's overwhelming. When I sit down to evaluate my day it becomes quickly apparent that I say the wrong things sometimes, fail to do something when I should, give bad advice/guidance to people, make stupid decisions, etc.

I see, daily, that God uses my imperfection to bring about His perfection. It still doesn't make sense to me.

Seriously, God, why me?...

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:10

When I was reading this passage the other day it brought two thoughts into my head. First, that God is the artist. We are His "workmanship" which, according to Webster, is "something made or produced; the quality imparted to a thing in the process of making." This isn't about me. I am the canvas, I can't make myself. God is the one who literally imparts His qualities (love, grace, peace, gentleness, etc.) into me and also through me (i.e. "to do good works").

The second thing that came to mind is that the most beautiful things about art are the quirks and imperfections in it. I do ridiculous, selfish, unloving things sometimes- no, a lot of times. Through encounters with other people, (amidst my disobedience and selfishness, even as a child of God), people are still brought to repentance. God uses me despite my personality.

But He also actually uses me because of my personality. As J.I. Packer writes, "It is a staggering thing, but it is true- the relationship in which sinful human beings KNOW GOD is one in which God, so to speak, takes them onto His staff, to be henceforth His fellow workers and personal friends. From being Satan's prisoner, you find yourself transferred to a position of trust in the service of God." He created us each with unique personalities. We have to fight against these personalities every day because we want to do what WE want to do, not what HE wants to do. The amazing thing about all this is that because of the way we were made- imperfections and all- God can use us to show His own beauty to those around us.

Bent. Chipped. Blotched. Uneven. Inconsistent. Broken.

MASTERPIECE.

My heart turns violently inside of my chest.

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ...So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world. But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir." - Galatians 3:26-27...4:3-7


These verses scream two Truths to me: freedom and adoption. Right now, I want to focus on the Truth that, if we have placed our faith in Jesus, we are ADOPTED into the family of God. 


The gospel tells us that we are all sinful people but that, because of God's unbelievable love for us, He sent His son to die in place of our sins. If we choose to believe in and follow Jesus, we receive the blessing that we don't deserve. The blessing is that of eternal life, which starts now and goes on into eternity, as we worship and glorify God in everything we do. Not only are we forgiven but we are, by grace, given the gift of "sonship" or, in other words, we are adopted into God's family. God literally becomes our Father.  "We do not fully feel the wonder of the passage from death to life which takes place in the new birth till we see it as a transition, not simply out of condemnation into acceptance, but out of bondage and destitution into the safety, certainty, and enjoyment of the family of God" (J.I. Packer). Because of this adoption, Christianity is not a religion but an actual, meaningful, loving relationship. 


The knowledge of this love and acceptance through adoption should radically change us and it should bleed into every facet of our lives. Without this adoption, we are orphans- lost and confused. With it, we are given a new identity as a Child of God- and now God treats us as if we have done everything Jesus has done. In the words of Tim Keller: "We are given freedom from liability and rights as sons. If we only think Christ has pardoned us and removed legal liability we are only "half-saved by grace" (requiring us to earn and maintain God's favor and rewards)...but Jesus also gives us the blessing he deserved- we are received and welcomed as heroes." 


Isn't that crazy? God sees Jesus INSIDE of us. We become His "sons" and have access to all the blessings and all the joy that radiates from such a Holy God. The only way, I think, to understand our adoption is to continually see how sinful we are. God requires humility from His children. The second we lose our humility is when we either stray from our Father and His grace, or we turn to "religion" and rule-following. Either way, we become our own savior, trying either to fill our void with an idol or trying to earn our way into the Kingdom by being 'good' and never 'messing up.' Both of these roads will lead to destruction and they will tear us apart. 


Which brings me back to grace. It is by GRACE we have been saved and it is by GRACE that we continue to live and change from the inside out. I just can't get over how amazing it is that God "will not leave us as orphans" (John 14:18).


Instead, He stands on the front porch. As we humbly walk up the driveway, knowing that we can't do it on our own nor with the help of any drug/person/achievement/etc., ...He walks out to meet us- not to reprimand us or say 'I told you so'- but only to HUG us. A loving Father waiting for His messed-up child to come home. Yet, when He looks into our eyes, He sees the beauty of a pure heart. 


"Grace taught my soul to pray,
And pardoning love to know;
'Twas grace that kept me to this day,
And will not let me go." - Unknown




(The previous thoughts were inspired by: "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer and the "For Freedom..." Bible study on the book of Galatians, by Timothy Keller.)

Disrupt us.

I was asked the other day whether or not it bothered and angered me to be ministering at Wake Forest University- where, inside the gated campus, there is extreme wealth, as well as some of the most highly educated people in the country.

I went to Los Angeles 2 years ago where I spent time with the poorest of the poor. The only gates I can remember were the ones at Nickerson Gardens (the projects), which kept gang members out and kept me alive.

So, how do I go from project-housing and poverty to one of the most prestigious universities in the country, and not get annoyed?

I looked at her and smiled a little bit for asking the question, because it's something that I have definitely thought about. The things I saw and people I interacted with in Los Angeles have been branded onto my heart and I can't help but think about them as I drive onto Wake's campus each day. I had two things to say in response...

First: I'm rich, too. I may not be rich compared to people around me but I am sickeningly rich compared to the majority of the world that lives on less than $2 a day. I've been told that the NUMBER ONE way to determine a person's spiritual life is by THEIR WALLET. So, before I look to the person next to me...what does my own wallet look like?

Second: When I look into the eyes of the students and athletes that I work with everyday, I see the same eyes that stared back at me as I walked on the streets of Skid Row. Same eyes, newer clothes. Same eyes, bigger house. Same eyes, thicker wallet. Same eyes, different lifestyle.

Same eyes...same lostness...same confusion.

Wake Forest is Skid Row with money. Our whole country is Skid Row with money. I love being at Wake just as much as I loved being on Skid Row. It's about the people. All of them are searching. They all want to be known and loved. The poverty doesn't do it, the wealth doesn't do it...only Jesus can give what the souls behind all of those eyes are screaming for. LIFE.

So, how can I NOT love them the same? Rich or poor, every heart is starving.

"I don’t know the suffering of people outside my front door
I join the oppressors of those who i choose to ignore
I’m trading comfort for human life
and that’s not just murder it’s suicide
this too shall be made right..." - Derek Webb ('This too Shall be Made Right')