Waking eyes and hearts to life.

I was listening to the song Lover of the Light by Mumford and sons, and I heard this line: "Flawed by pride, I miss my sanguine eyes..."

I cannot get sanguine eyes out of my mind. Then I looked up the word "sanguine" in the dictionary and thesaurus and I started to understand why. It has a different meaning in the noun and adjective forms, respectively. As a noun, it means blood-red, ruddy, and consisting of or relating to blood. As an adjective, it means hopeful, cheerfully optimistic, confident, and a mind free from doubt.

I thought this was a crazy and amazing contrast. I'm not quite sure what he means by it in the song, but here is my interpretation of the phrase. One of the first things I thought of while reading through the definitions was this verse in Mark 10:21: "Jesus looked at him and loved him." Dang! Jesus loved him just by looking at him. Eye contact is powerful...but how could Jesus love someone by looking at them?

"Blood-red"...Jesus' blood is what saves and purifies us. He is the crimson stain that makes us white as snow. John 19:34 says, "One of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side, bringing a sudden flow of blood."

"Cheerfully-optimistic, confident"...Hope. Jesus is the only answer and the only hope amidst this mess. Not a questionable hope, but an assured hope. Colossians 1:27 says, "Christ in you, the hope of glory." Titus 2:13 says, "As we wait for the blessed hope, the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ." He is already in us, but he is coming back.

That verse in Mark 10 gives me the chills every time I read it. Why? Because Jesus looked at me and loved me. He does the same with all his children. Jesus is the one with sanguine eyes. Blood-red because his blood purified us, and he only sees beauty in us. Cheerful optimism because he is the hope that has already come and is yet to come.

In Genesis 16:13, a girl who has been shunned and demeaned by everyone else knows that she is loved by the Lord and says, "I have now seen the One who sees me." And I don't think it's 'random' that in Hebrews 12:2 we are told to "fix our eyes on Jesus..." When he makes eye contact with you he changes your life because, for the first time ever, you know who you are in the eyes of the only One who knows you.

Eyes that have looked down from the cross. Eyes that look through me. Eyes that took the punishment, yet bring the freedom. Eyes that are soft but relentless. Eyes that see me.

Blood. Hope. Sanguine eyes.

Melt my life, that it would drip the gospel.

Transition isn't fun. The last 4 weeks of my life have been just that. A lot of change. New city, new job, new people. Not easy...but exciting and necessary.

Amidst all of this transition, I have recently been reminded that I must continually ask myself this one question, about whatever it is that I am doing: "is this what you are called to do?"

Now, first let me make a note about the word "called." I know this word gets thrown around a lot and I don't even always like it, nor am I even sure what is always meant by it. I don't think that I have one specific place that I'm supposed to be or one specific thing that I'm supposed to be doing. I do think, however, that God gives each of us specific passions and specific gifts. There are probably a wide range of things that we can do with these to bring Him glory. So, by the word "called," I mean the ways in which we use our specific, unique gifts and passions in a way that brings God glory and ourselves joy, as we seek to bring our lives in line with the gospel, daily. Still vague, I know. Sorry. :(

So, in this time of transition, it's been easy to say "yes" to everything and try to get involved everywhere and to help everyone. But the reality is, there is need everywhere. I could go to a lot of different places and do a lot of different things. But, "is this (whatever it might be) what I am called to do?"

The answer to this question is life-altering. There are two things that I need to continue to keep clear, as I seek to answer the above question. What/who has my heart been burdened for? The world is a lonely, desperate place. My heart is broken the most when I look into the eyes of high school and college aged young women. Why? Probably because it is a time of soul-searching and really struggling to figure out who they are (identity) and why they are here (purpose). You see it happen over and over again. The innocence of youth is exchanged for the craving for love and approval, in hundreds of different ways. The other question is, what am I passionate about? Jesus: The one who saved me and the only one who can save. People: As I look into the eyes of the world, I see hopelessness. All I want to do is love people and show them the only true Hope. Coaching/teaching/mentoring: Being out on a soccer field teaching kids how to play the game that I love; Sitting across a table from someone, having real, open honest conversation, and speaking the Truth of the gospel into their lives.

I have been called to coach soccer. Not just coach soccer, but coach it in a way that is different. In a way that that brings the Light of life to a lot of lonely lives that may never set foot inside a church building. Through soccer and coaching, my life will intersect thousands of other lives. If I'm not living and speaking the gospel to them, then my work is in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58).

This is how I know that I have been called to do these things:
"If I don't do this (i.e. coach soccer, love people, and share the gospel), something in me might die." THAT is passion and purpose. THAT is calling.

What are you passionate about? Who/what are you burdened for? How are you going to use your gifts? What makes you come alive?

Places change. Hearts are fickle. Truth is unwavering.

Empty bleachers...full of spectators.

Last night I was sitting at dinner with some friends. We had been eating and talking for quite a while, when the restaurant manager came over to our table. He was pouring more water for us and then he asked us, "So what's the topic of the night?" He wanted to know what we had been talking about and we were all caught a little off guard and stared at him for a few seconds. I finally answered him, "divorce and re-marriage." We all chuckled a little because it's not exactly a light, fun, table conversation. He replied, "Oh ok. I was just wondering, because I saw you all pray before you ate and then I walked by a few times and over heard parts of your conversation. My eavesdropping can probably get me into trouble sometimes, but I was just curious as to what you were talking about."

He watched us pray and then he listened to our conversation and watched the way we interacted.

When I was a sophomore in high school, the recruiting process for college soccer began. I felt a lot of pressure because it seemed as though every game and every tournament carried extreme weight in determining whether or not I would play soccer in college. Because it did and, as someone once said to me, "someone is always watching." What she meant was that I couldn't slack in any game I played, even if it seemed 'meaningless,' there was probably some coach from some college watching. The way I performed (whether good or bad) in that particular game could change the course of my life. Now, I know that's going to the extreme. The point is that my performance was constantly being watched and critiqued and evaluated to see if I met the standards, to see if I really could step up to the next level, to see if I really was the player they saw on paper. What they saw in a forty-minute half of a soccer game was their glimpse into the type of player I was. I had forty minutes (if that) to show what I had been training for, for the previous twelve years.

Jesus said that people will know us by the way we love one another (John 13: 34, 35). Paul, likening us to an aroma, says that God spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of Himself through us (2 Corinthians 2:14). Paul also says, in Colossians 1:27, that God has chosen to make His mystery known through Christ, who is in us, and we are the hope of His glory.

Someone is always watching. During the college recruiting process, it's more evident. In life, it's not always so. The man at the restaurant saw us pray. That's it. We hadn't said a word to him but he made a note of it, assuming we were Christians, and then he watched the way we acted. What if we had been arguing with each other and making rude comments to our waitress? What type of message would that be communicating?

I'm not saying that we have to be perfect. We will fail in loving each other well. That's the whole point: we aren't good enough, but Christ is. We confess and apologize for the ways that we fall short. And then we keep on loving.

We are the hope because Christ is in us. That has huge implications when you think about how God wants to use you to draw other people into His Kingdom. During my soccer games, I had less than 40 minutes to show them what type of player I was. Sometimes we may get only a few minutes, or a few hours, or a few days to interact with someone. Sometimes, we won't even get to use words, they will be watching from a distance.

Someone is always watching. What do they see?

Static Guard.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2).


Holiness flows from the conviction that God is our highest good and our greatest joy, so that we seek to get rid of everything and anything in the way. We must HATE our sin. Sin does not want to be small. Sin wants to be big and it will not give up without a fight. Sin will deceive and convince us that it's "not that bad," while it rips apart our lives. 


This verse refers to "weights." These weights aren't necessarily sins, but they are things that are drawing you further away from, rather than closer to, the God that wants to free you from them. It's like trying to run a marathon with a weight vest on. Have you ever worn a weight vest? The race won't be impossible, but it's going to be a heck of a lot harder. Jesus is not a weight vest...he is Gatorade. The perfect mix of vitamins, minerals, and electrolytes to keep you hydrated for the entire race.


The verse also refers to "sin which clings so closely." Have you ever had static cling? Your shorts/shirt are literally stuck to your body. The more you try to peel it off, the more it sticks in other places. So annoying...you can't function normally because it's such a distraction. That's how sin is. It literally sticks to you. It will not stay small. It will suffocate the Spirit within you and it will eventually kill you. 


Unfortunately, sin is a "static" that comes back daily and it must be dealt with daily. Jesus is the Static Guard to our sin. 


So...how do we "fight" our sin? By "looking to Jesus," or, in a different version: "let us fix our eyes on Jesus." Mmmmm, I love this word picture. Eye on the prize. This isn't about US. It's about JESUS. He cares about our hearts and our hurts and our struggles...BUT, it's only by seeing beyond these and to the Truth that all of these things are about HIS glory, that we can find freedom from them. He saves me from myself. If I'm fixing my eyes on Him, I can't fix my eyes on me. So, not only do I begin to hate my sin (because I see his beauty) and I begin to "lay aside the weights/sins," but He also sees ME. He sees into my hurts and struggles (he knows them better than I do) and he brings truth and freedom from them. The more I look at him, the more I understand the gospel and the more it changes my life. 


As we gaze upon our glorious Savior, we trade in weight vests for Gatorade, and our static-filled clothes begin to loosen. Then we can run the race freely. And we can say, as Eric Liddell, in the movie Chariots of Fire says, "When I run, I feel [God's] pleasure."

The recognition of folly.

Most of the time I am blissfully unaware of how weird I am. I love Jesus and I'm trying to live a life that glorifies him and it is completely counter-cultural. This, apparently, is really weird. In college, before the grace of God got a hold of me, I remember thinking that I did NOT want to be weird and how I never wanted to be one of those "extreme" Christians, where everything is about Jesus all the time.

Well...whoops...

I remember the day that I clearly made this decision. I had been living on the fence and I had two ways to go. I am pretty passionate about whatever it is that I'm doing so I knew that I was going to "go big" in whatever direction I chose. One option was to go back to my old life. The one filled with selfishness, hopelessness, loneliness, and borderline depression. OR I could go the other way and be sold out for this whole "Christian thing." I couldn't take being half-hearted in either direction anymore...it was tearing me apart. So I decided that if I choose this I will be weird...I will be different. 'Ok, Kelsey...are you prepared to stop caring about what these people think of you for the rest of your life? Is this worth it?' At that moment, finally, my answer was "yes." 'Ok, Jesus, I'm ready for this. Well, actually, I'm not ready but I'm too afraid to go back to that old life and I'm trusting that, with you, life has meaning and that I will finally be alive.'

These  days, I am occasionally reminded of my weirdness. Not often, however, because I have been blessed with other weirdos around me who are living passionate lives to glorify Jesus. My reminder usually comes when talking to a student on campus who has no filter from their brain to their mouth. The comment passes through my ears and I'm only bothered by it for a few minutes, during which a mild paranoia overtakes me. But then I realize I'm talking to a confused college athlete, and I am reminded of how thankful I am that Jesus saved me from my own selfish confusion.

However, I have been acutely aware of my weirdness. This truth has become more real to me than ever: "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God" (1 Corinthians 1:18). The way that I live is literal foolishness to those who don't know. It is power but at the same time is absurdity.

Unfortunately my reminders have not been coming from atheists or Buddhists or any other non-believers...but from Christians. A lot of "Christians" are trying to be the "fencers." They don't want to go too far in either direction..."everything in moderation"...not too spiritual but not too disobedient. My question is, does that type of Christian even exist? If you really know Jesus can you possibly only want him in small doses?

I was listening to a Counting Crows song a few weeks ago and one of the lines is: "I don't want know damn religion because I'm not prepared to die." At least he's being honest, right? He isn't trying to live on the fence. He is straight-up admitting that he wants to be his own god. Jesus tells that we must deny ourselves and that we must literally lose our lives in order to save our lives (Mark 8: 34-37). This is not a some side comment that Jesus made in passing. It is a command and a requirement that he tells his disciples (and us) just before he is hung on a freaking cross to take your sin and my sin upon himself so that we can experience the overwhelming love of a Savior.

But this attitude is all too common among "Christians." This is not ok. Complacency makes me sick. It's too easy to blend in and not rock the boat. Jesus flipped the boat and, as his hands and feet we are called to do the same. "Living in moderation" is not only killing us but it's also crucifying Jesus all over again. What if only part of him would have died on the cross? Or only part of him resurrected from the dead? Well...none of us would be saved. Yikes.

Being foolish to the world is scary because of how much we crave the approval of others. We carry inside of us the power of the living God. We have what every single other person around us wants, even if they won't admit it. Being foolish doesn't mean people don't like you (well, maybe it does sometimes). If anything, it means they love and respect you for being who you really are, and it demands more realness from the people around you. More importantly, it will draw more people to The Life.

Though I get discouraged at times, never ever ever have I regretted making that decision to be a reckless follower. I have more passion for life now than I could have ever created out of my own will. Whether I'm in Winston-Salem or in South Africa, people are empty. I am NOT. I am FULL and I have within me the grace and truth that CHANGES LIVES. I don't ever want to hinder that. And if that means that I am going to be weird, then I'm ok with that.

Living foolishly for Jesus is more LIFE-GIVING than any wisdom from this world.

I want Jesus to set me on fire. A fire that will never die.

"You've become my song of passion that comes from a heart that starves for You..."

I wish you could see me now.

I'll admit, I do make fun of Cleveland a lot. It's just too easy: the weather, the sports teams, the river that has caught fire three times, the gray bubble of cloud that engulfs my car as I drive up 71N. However, it's really not as bad as I exaggerate it to be. Home on Thanksgiving break, I drive around familiar streets again as random childhood memories shuffle through my brain.

I often see Cleveland in the afore mentioned "gray bubble"- not so much in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. You see, I associate my entire life lived in Cleveland with "old self" Kelsey. Ephesians 4:22 says, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires..."  This "putting off of my old self" isn't quite that easy because, when I return to Cleveland, all these strange emotions come flooding into my heart. I am not trying to over exaggerate anything; I had a great childhood, with a loving family and anything I could ever ask for. The feeling that I'm reminded of is one that's deep in my soul...the feeling of being lost; of wondering if there was maybe a little more to life than what I knew.

The verse in Ephesians continues: "...to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (v.23-24). As I went off to college and over the next several years, my "old self" was replaced with this "new self." This "old self" tends to come back when I drive into the city limits. As the verse says, I am being made new in the attitude of my mind. When I've been associating things in my mind for almost 20 years and now I'm radically changing that world view, it's not always easy, and that's ok. It's a process.

Each time I pull my car into the driveway of "old self" Kelsey it gets a little easier. I was reminded yesterday of my new self- that I really AM new and that the old really IS gone. It happened over a cup of hot chocolate...

I went to a local coffee shop with a girl that I played high school soccer with. She was a freshman when I was a senior, so I didn't know her too well. Somehow, we have kept in touch over the last few years and we decided to catch up on life.

She told me how much she looked up to me in high school and said that during her freshman year someone told her that I would write "Joshua 1:9" on my basketball and soccer shoes. She said that hearing this was really encouraging to her. I started laughing because, I wasn't a believer when I was in high school. I just thought that "quote" (i.e. Bible verse) was cool because it seemed like it applied to athletics. I shared my story with her and then I got goose-bumps as I took off my shoe to show her the tattoo on my foot...of a cross and the verse "Joshua 1:9."

I used to write that verse on my shoe with "permanent marker." But you know what? Every few months I would have to reapply the marker because it had been smeared off my shoe. Now, it's permanently inked into my skin.  I couldn't donate blood up to a year after I got that tattoo, because traces of the ink stay in your blood stream. It's not just on me, it's in me. That's how much the tattoo is a part of me now. I will never look the same again because of it.

Kinda like Jesus. "See, I have engraved you on the [top of my foot]..." (Isaiah 49:16). I'm not a marker on the side of his sandal that can be easily smeared or wiped away. I'm tattooed not only onto his foot, but into his heart.

I'M NOT WHO I WAS. Cleveland or not. I will never look the same again because of him.

"Oh Jesus, you raised me
How could I ever return
To things that you told me would burn?
When will I ever learn
That I am new..." -Jimmy Needham

Thickening the air I'm breathing.

"Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end- it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." -Habakkuk 2: 2-3

I took a coaching education course a few weeks ago. During one of the lectures, the question was posed, "Why do you coach?" People gave various answers: love of the game, competition, to be a positive influence, to coach their children, to pass on their knowledge and talents, etc.

In one of his books, John Piper writes, "Not to aim to show God is not to love, because God is what we need most deeply. And to have all else without Him is to perish in the end. If you don't point people to god for ever-lasting joy, you don't love. You waste your life."

So, I'm sitting in this room of 40+ coaches hearing them shout out their reasons for coaching. In the back of my mind the only thing I can think of is that: I coach in order to share the gospel of Jesus. Of course, I didn't say this out loud. Most of them would have thought I was out of my mind, and some may have even told me that it's illegal (well, I've already been told both of these responses). I coach because I love the game. I coach because I love people. I coach because I have been given the passion and the gift of being able to play soccer. But, as Piper says, without sharing the gospel through all of this I am withholding the One true life-giving Love. It's actually extremely selfish not to share the gospel because it is the one thing that everyone is searching for, whether they admit it or not.

In the verse that I shared at the beginning, God is talking about a VISION. I think God gives each of His children a vision. I don't mean the kind of vision that you necessarily see played out in front of you like a movie (although, maybe!). I mean a vision of what it means for you, personally and corporately, to bring His Kingdom to earth. We are channels of His grace that he doesn't need, but chooses to use anyway. He has given each of us different and specific talents and passions to be used for His glory. The verse also mentions that the vision may be "slow." It might not always be clear to us but He says that He will show us and that it "will not lie." This vision is something that will come slowly and maybe only in little glimpses at a time...and it will be revealed to us through His Truth (the Bible) as we read and seek to know Him more.

I have been shown a glimpse of a vision. This vision is to use coaching and the silly game of soccer to love people and to tell them the Gospel that has absolutely transformed, remodeled, and rebuilt my life. I want to be a positive influence for the kids that I coach and to the coaches I coach with and against. But that's not enough. Piper goes onto say, "[God] has woven you into the fabric of other's lives so that you will tell them the Gospel. Without this, all our adorning behavior may lack the one thing that could make it life-giving." We want to be better soccer players, and to compete, and to win, and to have fun...but what we NEED is Jesus.

My life should reflect the gospel. People should see "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" (Galatians 5:22) in the way that I live and coach, but without me telling them why I live the way I do and why I coach the way I coach, I am literally wasting the passion, the talents, and the life that God has given me.

I mess this vision up a lot and still don't know entirely how to "live out" this vision, but I'm learning more everyday. I'm trying to live the Truth I've been given. This is not about me and I'm trusting that this vision will "hasten to the end"and overflow from the way I live and coach to the glory of God...the only thing that matters.

Coaching to share the Gospel. How ridiculous and beautiful at the same time.

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes..." - Romans 1:16