Desperately undone.

"As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. 'Who touched me?' Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, 'Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.' But Jesus said, 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.' Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.'"
- Luke 8: 42b-48


I love this story because it's about our need. This story of the sick woman (she had been bleeding for 12 years!) is a story about us. It is also a story of the gospel: our need for Someone to save us. 


Jesus doesn't discriminate. He is on his way to the home of a wealthy ruler when he is "interrupted" by this very poor, sick woman. He doesn't hesitate for a second to find the woman in the crowd and heal her. He could have easily continued walking, ignoring her in order to stick  to his "schedule." 


Schedule...hahaha. Nothing in life is random. I think about the little "interruptions" I have in my day and how annoyed I get when my 'plan' is ruined. What a joke. These are actually divine opportunities for God to love his hurting people. 


What does Jesus do first? He heals her physically. She reaches out to grab his cloak and, the instant she touches it, her bleeding stops. Twelve years of bleeding stops in the blink of an eye. That's power. 


Verse 47 is my favorite one in this passage. Jesus turns around to find where his "power had gone out from him," but the woman hides in the crowd. Then, seeing that she CANNOT GO UNNOTICED...FALLS AT HIS FEET. The woman sees her NEED and knows that she can't hide from the King of kings. She is nervous and apprehensive, yet she doesn't say a word. What does she do? She just falls at his feet, vulnerable and exposed. So, now what does he do? He heals her soul. He calls her "daughter." What comfort and freedom she must have felt to know that she is now his. 


We may not be literally bleeding, but everyone's soul is starving. This woman is in a state of desperation. Not until we see our own need will we reach out to grab Jesus' cloak. The crazy thing is that we are desperate, but we're too busy hiding in the crowd- behind people and behind ourselves- to let Jesus heal us. 


Be relentlessly suspicious about your comfortable, satisfying life.


You'll meet Jesus when you need him as much as you need AIR.  


DESPERATION is the standard and reaching for his cloak is the only way. 

Beautiful mess.

Couldn't God have found someone better?

I ask myself this question as I think about how often I mess up. When I actually sit down and evaluate my life- wait, that's overwhelming. When I sit down to evaluate my day it becomes quickly apparent that I say the wrong things sometimes, fail to do something when I should, give bad advice/guidance to people, make stupid decisions, etc.

I see, daily, that God uses my imperfection to bring about His perfection. It still doesn't make sense to me.

Seriously, God, why me?...

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:10

When I was reading this passage the other day it brought two thoughts into my head. First, that God is the artist. We are His "workmanship" which, according to Webster, is "something made or produced; the quality imparted to a thing in the process of making." This isn't about me. I am the canvas, I can't make myself. God is the one who literally imparts His qualities (love, grace, peace, gentleness, etc.) into me and also through me (i.e. "to do good works").

The second thing that came to mind is that the most beautiful things about art are the quirks and imperfections in it. I do ridiculous, selfish, unloving things sometimes- no, a lot of times. Through encounters with other people, (amidst my disobedience and selfishness, even as a child of God), people are still brought to repentance. God uses me despite my personality.

But He also actually uses me because of my personality. As J.I. Packer writes, "It is a staggering thing, but it is true- the relationship in which sinful human beings KNOW GOD is one in which God, so to speak, takes them onto His staff, to be henceforth His fellow workers and personal friends. From being Satan's prisoner, you find yourself transferred to a position of trust in the service of God." He created us each with unique personalities. We have to fight against these personalities every day because we want to do what WE want to do, not what HE wants to do. The amazing thing about all this is that because of the way we were made- imperfections and all- God can use us to show His own beauty to those around us.

Bent. Chipped. Blotched. Uneven. Inconsistent. Broken.

MASTERPIECE.

My heart turns violently inside of my chest.

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ...So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world. But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir." - Galatians 3:26-27...4:3-7


These verses scream two Truths to me: freedom and adoption. Right now, I want to focus on the Truth that, if we have placed our faith in Jesus, we are ADOPTED into the family of God. 


The gospel tells us that we are all sinful people but that, because of God's unbelievable love for us, He sent His son to die in place of our sins. If we choose to believe in and follow Jesus, we receive the blessing that we don't deserve. The blessing is that of eternal life, which starts now and goes on into eternity, as we worship and glorify God in everything we do. Not only are we forgiven but we are, by grace, given the gift of "sonship" or, in other words, we are adopted into God's family. God literally becomes our Father.  "We do not fully feel the wonder of the passage from death to life which takes place in the new birth till we see it as a transition, not simply out of condemnation into acceptance, but out of bondage and destitution into the safety, certainty, and enjoyment of the family of God" (J.I. Packer). Because of this adoption, Christianity is not a religion but an actual, meaningful, loving relationship. 


The knowledge of this love and acceptance through adoption should radically change us and it should bleed into every facet of our lives. Without this adoption, we are orphans- lost and confused. With it, we are given a new identity as a Child of God- and now God treats us as if we have done everything Jesus has done. In the words of Tim Keller: "We are given freedom from liability and rights as sons. If we only think Christ has pardoned us and removed legal liability we are only "half-saved by grace" (requiring us to earn and maintain God's favor and rewards)...but Jesus also gives us the blessing he deserved- we are received and welcomed as heroes." 


Isn't that crazy? God sees Jesus INSIDE of us. We become His "sons" and have access to all the blessings and all the joy that radiates from such a Holy God. The only way, I think, to understand our adoption is to continually see how sinful we are. God requires humility from His children. The second we lose our humility is when we either stray from our Father and His grace, or we turn to "religion" and rule-following. Either way, we become our own savior, trying either to fill our void with an idol or trying to earn our way into the Kingdom by being 'good' and never 'messing up.' Both of these roads will lead to destruction and they will tear us apart. 


Which brings me back to grace. It is by GRACE we have been saved and it is by GRACE that we continue to live and change from the inside out. I just can't get over how amazing it is that God "will not leave us as orphans" (John 14:18).


Instead, He stands on the front porch. As we humbly walk up the driveway, knowing that we can't do it on our own nor with the help of any drug/person/achievement/etc., ...He walks out to meet us- not to reprimand us or say 'I told you so'- but only to HUG us. A loving Father waiting for His messed-up child to come home. Yet, when He looks into our eyes, He sees the beauty of a pure heart. 


"Grace taught my soul to pray,
And pardoning love to know;
'Twas grace that kept me to this day,
And will not let me go." - Unknown




(The previous thoughts were inspired by: "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer and the "For Freedom..." Bible study on the book of Galatians, by Timothy Keller.)

Disrupt us.

I was asked the other day whether or not it bothered and angered me to be ministering at Wake Forest University- where, inside the gated campus, there is extreme wealth, as well as some of the most highly educated people in the country.

I went to Los Angeles 2 years ago where I spent time with the poorest of the poor. The only gates I can remember were the ones at Nickerson Gardens (the projects), which kept gang members out and kept me alive.

So, how do I go from project-housing and poverty to one of the most prestigious universities in the country, and not get annoyed?

I looked at her and smiled a little bit for asking the question, because it's something that I have definitely thought about. The things I saw and people I interacted with in Los Angeles have been branded onto my heart and I can't help but think about them as I drive onto Wake's campus each day. I had two things to say in response...

First: I'm rich, too. I may not be rich compared to people around me but I am sickeningly rich compared to the majority of the world that lives on less than $2 a day. I've been told that the NUMBER ONE way to determine a person's spiritual life is by THEIR WALLET. So, before I look to the person next to me...what does my own wallet look like?

Second: When I look into the eyes of the students and athletes that I work with everyday, I see the same eyes that stared back at me as I walked on the streets of Skid Row. Same eyes, newer clothes. Same eyes, bigger house. Same eyes, thicker wallet. Same eyes, different lifestyle.

Same eyes...same lostness...same confusion.

Wake Forest is Skid Row with money. Our whole country is Skid Row with money. I love being at Wake just as much as I loved being on Skid Row. It's about the people. All of them are searching. They all want to be known and loved. The poverty doesn't do it, the wealth doesn't do it...only Jesus can give what the souls behind all of those eyes are screaming for. LIFE.

So, how can I NOT love them the same? Rich or poor, every heart is starving.

"I don’t know the suffering of people outside my front door
I join the oppressors of those who i choose to ignore
I’m trading comfort for human life
and that’s not just murder it’s suicide
this too shall be made right..." - Derek Webb ('This too Shall be Made Right')

Sound the alarm in my SOUL.

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

- Phillipians 3: 8-9

The Gospel is so simple yet so complicated. It's not just a one-time thing. It's a living thing. We don't ever really get "beyond" the Gospel....because the Gospel is IT. We must realize, everyday, that we are more flawed and wicked than we ever dared believe, and more accepted and loved than we ever dared hope. I never want to lose sight of how DESPERATE I am for God's grace.

Our world functions on a "works-righteousness" mentality, but the Gospel- the true Gospel- is about finding our justification in Jesus. How do you gain approval? What is your justification rooted in? If it's "Jesus plus something else" it's not the Gospel. I can't "try harder" and/or "do better." If I could do that then Jesus' death was pointless and I become my own Savior. But what does God say? Well....each and every one of us is really, insanely messed up, no matter how "good" we are. So, not only does He say, "you're forgiven," but He also says, "you are freely-justified." This is amazing because He is telling us to COME TO HIM and that we are WELCOME TO ALL HIS LOVE AND JOY."

Isn't that beautiful? I'm a sinner and I need Jesus. Therefore, I am TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON THE GRACE OF GOD.

The Gospel (this GREAT news!) cuts right to the heart. It doesn't deal with the symptoms...it actually deals with the heart-issue. We all know there is something wrong with us but we can't stand being "exposed." Everybody is finding justification in something (gold medals, art, music, children, food, friends, control, people-pleasing, sex, drugs, etc.) We need to ask ourselves (constantly): HOW AM I GETTING APPROVAL/JUSTIFICATION? And then we need to realize that, without Jesus, we will never be "good enough." In our own strength we fall so far short it's not even funny. With Jesus we are FREE to take a deep breath, admit our failures, and pick up the grace that is sitting at our feet.

Stop trying. Accept the gift. Love recklessly.

Laughter is good for the soul.

I've been here at Wake for almost 2 months and I'm starting to settle in and get into the swing of things. As I said last time, it was a little rough start (it always is when moving to a new place). Now, we have been mentoring/discipling a few of the girls (one soccer player, and 2 field hockey players). We meet with each of them, separately, once a week and talk about life and/or go through some sort of Bible study. We are also starting a Bible study for the field hockey team. A few of them came over for dinner the other night and we had a lot of fun....just eating pizza and hanging out! They are an awesome group of girls and I'm excited to get to know them more! Just fyi...they are ranked #4 in the country. I'm just sayin'. :)

Last week we went to Krispy Kreme and bought 2 dozen donuts to hand out on campus. I never thought handing out free donuts could be so humbling: by 10:00am I had already been rejected at least 25 times. But here are my 3 favorite reactions to a free donut...

"A FREE donut!?! Heck yea I want a free donut!!! What's wrong with all these people? How can you not want a free donut? This just made my day!!!"

"Who are you? Are you promoting something? It's free? What did you do to it? Are these safe? So...it's free? Ok, I'll take one."

"A free donut? Are you serious? What's the catch? ...Wait, what do you mean there's no catch?"

That first response was great because the lady was so overly excited about a donut. But my favorite are the last two. They are my favorite because of how CONFUSED those two people were. Free? You mean you don't want something from me? Not to overanalyze a box of donuts but, this is how Jesus makes me feel. I'm forgiven without having to "do" anything? Grace is free? Yes. Absolutely. He calls us to love like this. What if people had these responses to the way we LOVE them? What if we lived like the true hands and feet of Jesus? People wouldn't know what to do because the hug we give them or the word of encouragement we say to them won't actually be from us...it's from Him. He is the source and we are just the vessels.

Love people in a way that confuses them.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe." - Phillippians 2: 14-15

Wildcat turned Demon Deacon...?

No more blue and white. Just gold and black now. 

I've been here at Wake Forest for a little over a month. Let me just be honest and start by saying that it isn't easy adjusting to a new place. It's like starting at square one...you are always lost and everyone you meet is new. At the same time....I have absolutely loved my time here so far! It's a cute city and the University is amazing. There are only 4500 students, so it has a small school atmosphere with big time athletics. The weather is beautiful...sunshine and 80 degrees almost everyday!

First thing I am learning: I don't know how to make friends. I'm kind of joking, kind of not. I mean, I've been on some sort of team my entire life up until last year. I have had 30 instant-friends around me all through college. Now I actually have to put myself out there. Dang. Ok, it's not that bad, haha, but it's just different being on the "other side" of things. I'm an outsider. A nobody. I'm not an athlete anymore. I'm not at UK anymore. So I just have to be patient in building new friendships because it takes time. But I do love meeting new people...everyone is so unique and it's exciting meeting all kinds of new personalities. 

I am also learning a lot about the HEART. Not the anatomical one. But the one where all of our feelings are. AND all of our wounds. The place that we like to guard but that we must open up to allow for healing. And Jesus wants ALL of it. It's easy to become numb to life. But I want to LIVE and FEEL. It's not easy. In fact, it's probably going to be painful...but totally worth it. We are all hurting in some way. We have got to let Jesus dig deep into the places in our heart that we have shut down because, whether we realize it or not, those places are keeping us in some type of bondage. We all have broken hearts...literally. But the cracks let the light come in. We are called to be FREE from anything and everything. This is hard to grasp because nearly everything on earth can be some sort of "chain." This means that we have to continue to be real with ourselves, with God, and with those closest to us. Somewhere along the line we have just got to trust. It's scary but it's also the most amazing thing in the world: to let more and more of your heart be redeemed by the only One who knows who you truly are. 

As I talk to my friends back at UK (who I miss dearly), I have been so encouraged to hear what's going on there. I had the chance to pour my life into some of the athletes there and now THEY are the ones leading! How sweet is that?! It's Jesus...and it's a ripple effect. They are passionate and it's contagious. People see how their life has changed and they want the same thing. As someone once told me, "The Spirit is attractive." :)

One more thing. We don't need to "do" anything. I hear people say how they need to "do better" or "try harder." No. That's crap. All we need to do is have faith...even if it's as small and weak as a freaking mustard seed. God tells only to come to Him. As we do this, he drowns us in his love and grace. That means it's never ending. Drink it up. 

I lied...one more thing. I don't want to "walk" with God. I want to SPRINT towards Him. Is anyone else coming with me?

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may find grace and receive mercy in our time of need." -Hebrews 4:16