Risk of possibility.

Every college soccer season culminates with the NCAA Final Four. The 300+ division one teams are narrowed down to the four best in the country. To play in the National Championship is the ultimate goal of any college soccer player.

This season, I was following a team that happened to make it to the Final Four. They had an incredible season, the best in the program’s history. I went to watch them play in the semifinal game.

They lost. I watched them kneel down in tears as the clock wound down. Ninety minutes from their ultimate goal. These kids have been playing this game since they were 4 years old and it all came down to ninety minutes. They had sacrificed academically, physically, mentally, and socially for the last eleven months. And it all came down to ninety minutes. They put in hundreds of thousands of hours on the field, in the weight room, watching film, etc. And it all came down to ninety minutes.

Every athlete knows this feeling. I remember the feeling vividly, even as I sit here now. I wasn’t competing for a national championship, but it was a similarly crushing experience.

There was a HUGE chance for glory and success. Yet there was an equally HUGE chance for crushing heartache and loss. Along the way, you experience both.

Strangely parallel to our lives…

So this got me thinking about the people in our lives. Is it worth pouring everything we have into our friendships/relationships, with the risk of knowing that we may (and probably will) be let down, betrayed, and hurt? Is it worth letting people know us for who we really are, and getting to know others for who they really are?

I think one of the deepest longings of all human beings is to be known. The good and the bad…not to be known merely for what we do, but known for who we truly are, and to be loved anyway.

Unfortunately, most of us are hardened at a young age by the reality of life. The reality that it’s hard to trust people. People hurt you, and you hurt them. The easy thing to do is to put up walls and shut out all the hurt. The problem is that when we shut out all the hurt, we also shut out all the possibility for love. The walls we put up are not selectively permeable. If we shut out the “bad” we shut out the “good.” If we let in the “good” we let in the “bad.”

There is a HUGE risk in letting people know us as we get to know them. The possibility to be hurt is almost inevitable. But there is an equally HUGE possibility to be known and loved. The beauty and experience of being known and loved for who you truly are- I think- far outweighs the possibility of being hurt.

The gospel tells us that we  “all fall short” (Romans 3:23). This doesn’t just mean in some areas. It means in every area. Just as others will disappoint us, we too will let down and disappoint and betray others. Our “failures,” however, do not lead us to despair; they lead us to an experience of grace. To know that we fall short cuts at our pride…but to know that we may “receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16) is the most beautiful truth. Why? Because it allows us to not only see ourselves for who we really are, but it also allows us to see others as they truly are. First Corinthians 8:3 says, “But the man who loves God is known by God.” Wow…the greatest Love of all means to be known by the only One who sees everything about us. Though human love is conditional and falls short of this, it is the same in the sense that we long to be known like this. Something that can only be fully satisfied in God, but we can experience a taste of it through other people.

When we can see ourselves and others as we/they truly are, it frees us to LOVE. It frees us to trust others, knowing that I will let them down and they will let me down, but there is forgiveness and grace. This doesn’t weaken our friendships/relationships…it strengthens them. Grace is powerful. When you feel it from other people and when you give it to other people, it changes your life. To know that you can fail and still be loved- to me- that is freedom. As Janis Joplin sings, “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” When our trust is in the One who can’t and won’t let us down, we have nothing to lose. We can pour our lives into those around us without fear.

So, this college soccer team…what if they hadn’t risked and sacrificed all this stuff? They wouldn’t have felt the heartbreak, right? Well, they also wouldn’t have experienced the journey it took to get to the Final Four, nor would they have experienced what it’s like to play in front of the biggest crowd they had ever seen in the biggest game of their lives. The 25 people on that team have formed a bond with one another that no one else in the world can ever understand. They have experienced pain and laughter and failure and success. The laughter didn’t come without pain, and the success didn’t come without failure.

Ninety minutes from their ultimate goal. But it’s time to get back out onto that field, because they are that much closer.

To go through life without knowing and without being known is emptiness. This emptiness is filled with other things that will never suffice. In soccer and in life it is a scary thing, but without the risk, the possibility of joy and fullness of life will never be experienced.

We must not live our lives in the confines of fear. There is life to be had…

Let's go THAT way.

I coach a team of 10 year olds. They are precious. They say some ridiculous things in their youthful innocence, but I never leave a practice or game without being amazed in some way. Amazed at the way they are so free.

A few weeks ago we were playing their favorite game, called "flyers." It's basically a really fast and intense game of 1v1. One of the girls was getting a little frustrated because she kept losing the ball. She came running over to me and I could tell she was upset. She sort of looked up at the sky and yelled, "Coach Kelsey....I want the ball! And I want to score goals!" It was sort of funny to me, but I knew it was very serious to her. At this moment, it was all that mattered to her.

On my drive home that night, I thought back to the comment she had made. I realized I was a little jealous. For two reasons.

She's confident in who she is.  When she's on the field, she is a soccer player. She isn't ashamed of this, nor is she worried about what other's think. She just "wants the ball!" because a soccer player (and in her case, a forward) needs the ball in order to do what they're supposed to do.

She knows which direction she's going. She "wants to score goals!" because that's the only way to win the game. She knows what needs to be done and nothing is going to stop her. Tunnel vision for her purpose.

Ironic that her name is Grace. She is unaware of the insecurities that will soon consume her life. On a very simple level, she's is free to be exactly who she is, without shame.

I forget who I am. I forget my purpose. Everyday.

I go all these different directions, worried about what all of "them" are saying. And I forget that I just need the ball, and I need to go towards my goal.

Unlike her, the unending grace that we have in the gospel never falters. It continues to remind us of who we are. We are not just forgiven, but we are SET FREE to become slaves to righteousness (Romans 6:18), because we are already loved. It also continues to remind us of our purpose. We are called to love others with that same love (1 John 4:19) and to speak this Truth and Hope into their lives (John 8:32, Romans 15:13).

Not just soccer players here to score goals.

Children, set free to be who we are and to love without shame.

Let us not lose sight. We have the ball. Keep running towards the goal. When we forget, grace is there.

Waking eyes and hearts to life.

I was listening to the song Lover of the Light by Mumford and sons, and I heard this line: "Flawed by pride, I miss my sanguine eyes..."

I cannot get sanguine eyes out of my mind. Then I looked up the word "sanguine" in the dictionary and thesaurus and I started to understand why. It has a different meaning in the noun and adjective forms, respectively. As a noun, it means blood-red, ruddy, and consisting of or relating to blood. As an adjective, it means hopeful, cheerfully optimistic, confident, and a mind free from doubt.

I thought this was a crazy and amazing contrast. I'm not quite sure what he means by it in the song, but here is my interpretation of the phrase. One of the first things I thought of while reading through the definitions was this verse in Mark 10:21: "Jesus looked at him and loved him." Dang! Jesus loved him just by looking at him. Eye contact is powerful...but how could Jesus love someone by looking at them?

"Blood-red"...Jesus' blood is what saves and purifies us. He is the crimson stain that makes us white as snow. John 19:34 says, "One of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side, bringing a sudden flow of blood."

"Cheerfully-optimistic, confident"...Hope. Jesus is the only answer and the only hope amidst this mess. Not a questionable hope, but an assured hope. Colossians 1:27 says, "Christ in you, the hope of glory." Titus 2:13 says, "As we wait for the blessed hope, the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ." He is already in us, but he is coming back.

That verse in Mark 10 gives me the chills every time I read it. Why? Because Jesus looked at me and loved me. He does the same with all his children. Jesus is the one with sanguine eyes. Blood-red because his blood purified us, and he only sees beauty in us. Cheerful optimism because he is the hope that has already come and is yet to come.

In Genesis 16:13, a girl who has been shunned and demeaned by everyone else knows that she is loved by the Lord and says, "I have now seen the One who sees me." And I don't think it's 'random' that in Hebrews 12:2 we are told to "fix our eyes on Jesus..." When he makes eye contact with you he changes your life because, for the first time ever, you know who you are in the eyes of the only One who knows you.

Eyes that have looked down from the cross. Eyes that look through me. Eyes that took the punishment, yet bring the freedom. Eyes that are soft but relentless. Eyes that see me.

Blood. Hope. Sanguine eyes.

Melt my life, that it would drip the gospel.

Transition isn't fun. The last 4 weeks of my life have been just that. A lot of change. New city, new job, new people. Not easy...but exciting and necessary.

Amidst all of this transition, I have recently been reminded that I must continually ask myself this one question, about whatever it is that I am doing: "is this what you are called to do?"

Now, first let me make a note about the word "called." I know this word gets thrown around a lot and I don't even always like it, nor am I even sure what is always meant by it. I don't think that I have one specific place that I'm supposed to be or one specific thing that I'm supposed to be doing. I do think, however, that God gives each of us specific passions and specific gifts. There are probably a wide range of things that we can do with these to bring Him glory. So, by the word "called," I mean the ways in which we use our specific, unique gifts and passions in a way that brings God glory and ourselves joy, as we seek to bring our lives in line with the gospel, daily. Still vague, I know. Sorry. :(

So, in this time of transition, it's been easy to say "yes" to everything and try to get involved everywhere and to help everyone. But the reality is, there is need everywhere. I could go to a lot of different places and do a lot of different things. But, "is this (whatever it might be) what I am called to do?"

The answer to this question is life-altering. There are two things that I need to continue to keep clear, as I seek to answer the above question. What/who has my heart been burdened for? The world is a lonely, desperate place. My heart is broken the most when I look into the eyes of high school and college aged young women. Why? Probably because it is a time of soul-searching and really struggling to figure out who they are (identity) and why they are here (purpose). You see it happen over and over again. The innocence of youth is exchanged for the craving for love and approval, in hundreds of different ways. The other question is, what am I passionate about? Jesus: The one who saved me and the only one who can save. People: As I look into the eyes of the world, I see hopelessness. All I want to do is love people and show them the only true Hope. Coaching/teaching/mentoring: Being out on a soccer field teaching kids how to play the game that I love; Sitting across a table from someone, having real, open honest conversation, and speaking the Truth of the gospel into their lives.

I have been called to coach soccer. Not just coach soccer, but coach it in a way that is different. In a way that that brings the Light of life to a lot of lonely lives that may never set foot inside a church building. Through soccer and coaching, my life will intersect thousands of other lives. If I'm not living and speaking the gospel to them, then my work is in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58).

This is how I know that I have been called to do these things:
"If I don't do this (i.e. coach soccer, love people, and share the gospel), something in me might die." THAT is passion and purpose. THAT is calling.

What are you passionate about? Who/what are you burdened for? How are you going to use your gifts? What makes you come alive?

Places change. Hearts are fickle. Truth is unwavering.

Empty bleachers...full of spectators.

Last night I was sitting at dinner with some friends. We had been eating and talking for quite a while, when the restaurant manager came over to our table. He was pouring more water for us and then he asked us, "So what's the topic of the night?" He wanted to know what we had been talking about and we were all caught a little off guard and stared at him for a few seconds. I finally answered him, "divorce and re-marriage." We all chuckled a little because it's not exactly a light, fun, table conversation. He replied, "Oh ok. I was just wondering, because I saw you all pray before you ate and then I walked by a few times and over heard parts of your conversation. My eavesdropping can probably get me into trouble sometimes, but I was just curious as to what you were talking about."

He watched us pray and then he listened to our conversation and watched the way we interacted.

When I was a sophomore in high school, the recruiting process for college soccer began. I felt a lot of pressure because it seemed as though every game and every tournament carried extreme weight in determining whether or not I would play soccer in college. Because it did and, as someone once said to me, "someone is always watching." What she meant was that I couldn't slack in any game I played, even if it seemed 'meaningless,' there was probably some coach from some college watching. The way I performed (whether good or bad) in that particular game could change the course of my life. Now, I know that's going to the extreme. The point is that my performance was constantly being watched and critiqued and evaluated to see if I met the standards, to see if I really could step up to the next level, to see if I really was the player they saw on paper. What they saw in a forty-minute half of a soccer game was their glimpse into the type of player I was. I had forty minutes (if that) to show what I had been training for, for the previous twelve years.

Jesus said that people will know us by the way we love one another (John 13: 34, 35). Paul, likening us to an aroma, says that God spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of Himself through us (2 Corinthians 2:14). Paul also says, in Colossians 1:27, that God has chosen to make His mystery known through Christ, who is in us, and we are the hope of His glory.

Someone is always watching. During the college recruiting process, it's more evident. In life, it's not always so. The man at the restaurant saw us pray. That's it. We hadn't said a word to him but he made a note of it, assuming we were Christians, and then he watched the way we acted. What if we had been arguing with each other and making rude comments to our waitress? What type of message would that be communicating?

I'm not saying that we have to be perfect. We will fail in loving each other well. That's the whole point: we aren't good enough, but Christ is. We confess and apologize for the ways that we fall short. And then we keep on loving.

We are the hope because Christ is in us. That has huge implications when you think about how God wants to use you to draw other people into His Kingdom. During my soccer games, I had less than 40 minutes to show them what type of player I was. Sometimes we may get only a few minutes, or a few hours, or a few days to interact with someone. Sometimes, we won't even get to use words, they will be watching from a distance.

Someone is always watching. What do they see?

Static Guard.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2).


Holiness flows from the conviction that God is our highest good and our greatest joy, so that we seek to get rid of everything and anything in the way. We must HATE our sin. Sin does not want to be small. Sin wants to be big and it will not give up without a fight. Sin will deceive and convince us that it's "not that bad," while it rips apart our lives. 


This verse refers to "weights." These weights aren't necessarily sins, but they are things that are drawing you further away from, rather than closer to, the God that wants to free you from them. It's like trying to run a marathon with a weight vest on. Have you ever worn a weight vest? The race won't be impossible, but it's going to be a heck of a lot harder. Jesus is not a weight vest...he is Gatorade. The perfect mix of vitamins, minerals, and electrolytes to keep you hydrated for the entire race.


The verse also refers to "sin which clings so closely." Have you ever had static cling? Your shorts/shirt are literally stuck to your body. The more you try to peel it off, the more it sticks in other places. So annoying...you can't function normally because it's such a distraction. That's how sin is. It literally sticks to you. It will not stay small. It will suffocate the Spirit within you and it will eventually kill you. 


Unfortunately, sin is a "static" that comes back daily and it must be dealt with daily. Jesus is the Static Guard to our sin. 


So...how do we "fight" our sin? By "looking to Jesus," or, in a different version: "let us fix our eyes on Jesus." Mmmmm, I love this word picture. Eye on the prize. This isn't about US. It's about JESUS. He cares about our hearts and our hurts and our struggles...BUT, it's only by seeing beyond these and to the Truth that all of these things are about HIS glory, that we can find freedom from them. He saves me from myself. If I'm fixing my eyes on Him, I can't fix my eyes on me. So, not only do I begin to hate my sin (because I see his beauty) and I begin to "lay aside the weights/sins," but He also sees ME. He sees into my hurts and struggles (he knows them better than I do) and he brings truth and freedom from them. The more I look at him, the more I understand the gospel and the more it changes my life. 


As we gaze upon our glorious Savior, we trade in weight vests for Gatorade, and our static-filled clothes begin to loosen. Then we can run the race freely. And we can say, as Eric Liddell, in the movie Chariots of Fire says, "When I run, I feel [God's] pleasure."

The recognition of folly.

Most of the time I am blissfully unaware of how weird I am. I love Jesus and I'm trying to live a life that glorifies him and it is completely counter-cultural. This, apparently, is really weird. In college, before the grace of God got a hold of me, I remember thinking that I did NOT want to be weird and how I never wanted to be one of those "extreme" Christians, where everything is about Jesus all the time.

Well...whoops...

I remember the day that I clearly made this decision. I had been living on the fence and I had two ways to go. I am pretty passionate about whatever it is that I'm doing so I knew that I was going to "go big" in whatever direction I chose. One option was to go back to my old life. The one filled with selfishness, hopelessness, loneliness, and borderline depression. OR I could go the other way and be sold out for this whole "Christian thing." I couldn't take being half-hearted in either direction anymore...it was tearing me apart. So I decided that if I choose this I will be weird...I will be different. 'Ok, Kelsey...are you prepared to stop caring about what these people think of you for the rest of your life? Is this worth it?' At that moment, finally, my answer was "yes." 'Ok, Jesus, I'm ready for this. Well, actually, I'm not ready but I'm too afraid to go back to that old life and I'm trusting that, with you, life has meaning and that I will finally be alive.'

These  days, I am occasionally reminded of my weirdness. Not often, however, because I have been blessed with other weirdos around me who are living passionate lives to glorify Jesus. My reminder usually comes when talking to a student on campus who has no filter from their brain to their mouth. The comment passes through my ears and I'm only bothered by it for a few minutes, during which a mild paranoia overtakes me. But then I realize I'm talking to a confused college athlete, and I am reminded of how thankful I am that Jesus saved me from my own selfish confusion.

However, I have been acutely aware of my weirdness. This truth has become more real to me than ever: "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God" (1 Corinthians 1:18). The way that I live is literal foolishness to those who don't know. It is power but at the same time is absurdity.

Unfortunately my reminders have not been coming from atheists or Buddhists or any other non-believers...but from Christians. A lot of "Christians" are trying to be the "fencers." They don't want to go too far in either direction..."everything in moderation"...not too spiritual but not too disobedient. My question is, does that type of Christian even exist? If you really know Jesus can you possibly only want him in small doses?

I was listening to a Counting Crows song a few weeks ago and one of the lines is: "I don't want know damn religion because I'm not prepared to die." At least he's being honest, right? He isn't trying to live on the fence. He is straight-up admitting that he wants to be his own god. Jesus tells that we must deny ourselves and that we must literally lose our lives in order to save our lives (Mark 8: 34-37). This is not a some side comment that Jesus made in passing. It is a command and a requirement that he tells his disciples (and us) just before he is hung on a freaking cross to take your sin and my sin upon himself so that we can experience the overwhelming love of a Savior.

But this attitude is all too common among "Christians." This is not ok. Complacency makes me sick. It's too easy to blend in and not rock the boat. Jesus flipped the boat and, as his hands and feet we are called to do the same. "Living in moderation" is not only killing us but it's also crucifying Jesus all over again. What if only part of him would have died on the cross? Or only part of him resurrected from the dead? Well...none of us would be saved. Yikes.

Being foolish to the world is scary because of how much we crave the approval of others. We carry inside of us the power of the living God. We have what every single other person around us wants, even if they won't admit it. Being foolish doesn't mean people don't like you (well, maybe it does sometimes). If anything, it means they love and respect you for being who you really are, and it demands more realness from the people around you. More importantly, it will draw more people to The Life.

Though I get discouraged at times, never ever ever have I regretted making that decision to be a reckless follower. I have more passion for life now than I could have ever created out of my own will. Whether I'm in Winston-Salem or in South Africa, people are empty. I am NOT. I am FULL and I have within me the grace and truth that CHANGES LIVES. I don't ever want to hinder that. And if that means that I am going to be weird, then I'm ok with that.

Living foolishly for Jesus is more LIFE-GIVING than any wisdom from this world.

I want Jesus to set me on fire. A fire that will never die.

"You've become my song of passion that comes from a heart that starves for You..."

I wish you could see me now.

I'll admit, I do make fun of Cleveland a lot. It's just too easy: the weather, the sports teams, the river that has caught fire three times, the gray bubble of cloud that engulfs my car as I drive up 71N. However, it's really not as bad as I exaggerate it to be. Home on Thanksgiving break, I drive around familiar streets again as random childhood memories shuffle through my brain.

I often see Cleveland in the afore mentioned "gray bubble"- not so much in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. You see, I associate my entire life lived in Cleveland with "old self" Kelsey. Ephesians 4:22 says, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires..."  This "putting off of my old self" isn't quite that easy because, when I return to Cleveland, all these strange emotions come flooding into my heart. I am not trying to over exaggerate anything; I had a great childhood, with a loving family and anything I could ever ask for. The feeling that I'm reminded of is one that's deep in my soul...the feeling of being lost; of wondering if there was maybe a little more to life than what I knew.

The verse in Ephesians continues: "...to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (v.23-24). As I went off to college and over the next several years, my "old self" was replaced with this "new self." This "old self" tends to come back when I drive into the city limits. As the verse says, I am being made new in the attitude of my mind. When I've been associating things in my mind for almost 20 years and now I'm radically changing that world view, it's not always easy, and that's ok. It's a process.

Each time I pull my car into the driveway of "old self" Kelsey it gets a little easier. I was reminded yesterday of my new self- that I really AM new and that the old really IS gone. It happened over a cup of hot chocolate...

I went to a local coffee shop with a girl that I played high school soccer with. She was a freshman when I was a senior, so I didn't know her too well. Somehow, we have kept in touch over the last few years and we decided to catch up on life.

She told me how much she looked up to me in high school and said that during her freshman year someone told her that I would write "Joshua 1:9" on my basketball and soccer shoes. She said that hearing this was really encouraging to her. I started laughing because, I wasn't a believer when I was in high school. I just thought that "quote" (i.e. Bible verse) was cool because it seemed like it applied to athletics. I shared my story with her and then I got goose-bumps as I took off my shoe to show her the tattoo on my foot...of a cross and the verse "Joshua 1:9."

I used to write that verse on my shoe with "permanent marker." But you know what? Every few months I would have to reapply the marker because it had been smeared off my shoe. Now, it's permanently inked into my skin.  I couldn't donate blood up to a year after I got that tattoo, because traces of the ink stay in your blood stream. It's not just on me, it's in me. That's how much the tattoo is a part of me now. I will never look the same again because of it.

Kinda like Jesus. "See, I have engraved you on the [top of my foot]..." (Isaiah 49:16). I'm not a marker on the side of his sandal that can be easily smeared or wiped away. I'm tattooed not only onto his foot, but into his heart.

I'M NOT WHO I WAS. Cleveland or not. I will never look the same again because of him.

"Oh Jesus, you raised me
How could I ever return
To things that you told me would burn?
When will I ever learn
That I am new..." -Jimmy Needham

Thickening the air I'm breathing.

"Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end- it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." -Habakkuk 2: 2-3

I took a coaching education course a few weeks ago. During one of the lectures, the question was posed, "Why do you coach?" People gave various answers: love of the game, competition, to be a positive influence, to coach their children, to pass on their knowledge and talents, etc.

In one of his books, John Piper writes, "Not to aim to show God is not to love, because God is what we need most deeply. And to have all else without Him is to perish in the end. If you don't point people to god for ever-lasting joy, you don't love. You waste your life."

So, I'm sitting in this room of 40+ coaches hearing them shout out their reasons for coaching. In the back of my mind the only thing I can think of is that: I coach in order to share the gospel of Jesus. Of course, I didn't say this out loud. Most of them would have thought I was out of my mind, and some may have even told me that it's illegal (well, I've already been told both of these responses). I coach because I love the game. I coach because I love people. I coach because I have been given the passion and the gift of being able to play soccer. But, as Piper says, without sharing the gospel through all of this I am withholding the One true life-giving Love. It's actually extremely selfish not to share the gospel because it is the one thing that everyone is searching for, whether they admit it or not.

In the verse that I shared at the beginning, God is talking about a VISION. I think God gives each of His children a vision. I don't mean the kind of vision that you necessarily see played out in front of you like a movie (although, maybe!). I mean a vision of what it means for you, personally and corporately, to bring His Kingdom to earth. We are channels of His grace that he doesn't need, but chooses to use anyway. He has given each of us different and specific talents and passions to be used for His glory. The verse also mentions that the vision may be "slow." It might not always be clear to us but He says that He will show us and that it "will not lie." This vision is something that will come slowly and maybe only in little glimpses at a time...and it will be revealed to us through His Truth (the Bible) as we read and seek to know Him more.

I have been shown a glimpse of a vision. This vision is to use coaching and the silly game of soccer to love people and to tell them the Gospel that has absolutely transformed, remodeled, and rebuilt my life. I want to be a positive influence for the kids that I coach and to the coaches I coach with and against. But that's not enough. Piper goes onto say, "[God] has woven you into the fabric of other's lives so that you will tell them the Gospel. Without this, all our adorning behavior may lack the one thing that could make it life-giving." We want to be better soccer players, and to compete, and to win, and to have fun...but what we NEED is Jesus.

My life should reflect the gospel. People should see "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" (Galatians 5:22) in the way that I live and coach, but without me telling them why I live the way I do and why I coach the way I coach, I am literally wasting the passion, the talents, and the life that God has given me.

I mess this vision up a lot and still don't know entirely how to "live out" this vision, but I'm learning more everyday. I'm trying to live the Truth I've been given. This is not about me and I'm trusting that this vision will "hasten to the end"and overflow from the way I live and coach to the glory of God...the only thing that matters.

Coaching to share the Gospel. How ridiculous and beautiful at the same time.

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes..." - Romans 1:16

Perfect love is holding me.

"Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."
- James 1:23

Five years ago, this summer, I was playing on semi pro soccer team in Cleveland. We made it to the playoffs and drove down to Cincinnati to play in the first round against some team from Charlotte. I remember the day vividly. We played at a high school field and the temperature had to be at least 95 degrees, plus humidity. It's one of those games that you try to conserve your energy as much as possible and just try to make it through the first half until the sun goes down and the air starts to cool off.

My team was sitting in the shade getting our shin guards and cleats on, preparing to start the warm up. I jogged into the field house to go to the bathroom. As I was jogging back out to join my team I heard this noise coming from one of the locker rooms. I peaked my head around the corner without them noticing me. It was the team we were about to play. Someone was playing the guitar. The rest of them were standing with eyes closed and hands raised. They were singing songs about Jesus.

I started laughing to myself and thought "wow, these people are freaking weird." I went and got 2 or 3 of my teammates so I could show them how crazy these people were. We all started laughing and had some choice words to say about them. Singing about Jesus before a soccer game? What the heck is going on? Is this a cult?

After the game, in which they beat us 7-1, they asked us to pray with them. We all circled up and everyone put their arms around each other. Their coached prayed. I felt uncomfortable and I don't think I closed my eyes at all, I was just looking around at everyone thinking how weird it was that I was standing on a soccer field, angry after the loss...praying. Again...what the heck is going on? Weird.

Over the next year-or-two, God did a work in my heart & life. I'm not going into all the details here but, let's just say he completely transformed me from the inside out. A life that was "perfect" on the outside was filled with loneliness, confusion, and a 19 year old girl searching for something real. I searched in many places but couldn't seem to find it. Then I found that realness when the Jesus of the Bible jumped off the pages and became real and living, breathing air into my lungs. For the first time in my life I felt significance beyond all the awards I won and beyond all the things I could "do." In a life that was spinning out of control (only on the inside because I had to have it all together on the outside, of course), I finally found something solid to stand on. Something that was Truth. The relentless love of Jesus, through other people. A life that had come alive.

Let's fast forward to this summer. Five short years after that hot summer day. Remember "some team from Charlotte"? The Charlotte Lady Eagles. The funny part? I play for them now. Now I sing songs about Jesus before I play soccer. Weird...I know.

The reason I shared the verse at the beginning (James 1:23) is because I think it's easy to forget who I was. It's easy to forget what I was like and what I was doing & thinking before I collided with the grace and love of Jesus. I have NEVER BEEN THE SAME. Yet, I often take it for granted. I often "look in the mirror" and think that "I'm doing ok" or "I got this (life) under control."

Romans 3:23 says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." ALL have sinned...I have sinned. ALL fall short...I fall short. So...if I DON'T see that 19 year old (lost, lonely, confused) EVERY TIME I look in the mirror, I'm in trouble. Why? Because only if I see my unworthiness can I see God's greatness. Only if I see that I am nothing without Him can I be reminded of the "grace by which I have been saved, through faith- and this not from myself, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2: 8-9).

From Cleveland to Charlotte. From loneliness to joy. From confusion to Truth. From anger to love. From persecuting Jesus to living my life for his glory.

...all in the blink of an eye...

Don't ever forget who you were before the grace of God.

Don't ever forget that your sin is no match for his grace.

"My dead heart now is beating,
my deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs,
now I'm free, now I'm free..."
- Charlie Hall ("Marvelous Light")

Blowing things up.

I just returned from Colorado for two weeks of the Athletes in Action Ultimate Training Camps (UTC). This year I was on staff at UTC, but I have also attended camp as a college athlete. We had two separate weeks of camp, each consisting of 100-150 college and professional athletes from around the country. During the week, the athletes learn five "Principles." The Principles teach the athletes how to glorify God using the huge platform/influence they have been given. The main points address the following questions: who or what do you worship? what motivates you? how do you deal with pain/trials? does it matter how you live your life, today? Each of these questions are answered from a Biblical perspective. Athletes are under a lot of pressure both on and off the field and most of the information/images they take in throughout a typical day are from a worldly point of view. Many of the topics addressed at camp are radically different from what our culture tells us. In a world where we are told that pride is a virtue and success and power are important, Jesus calls us to humbly serve others before ourselves.

Let me tell you that God changes lives in 7 days.

Each of the two weeks ends with a Saturday night bonfire. At the end of the first week I laid on a bench next to the camp fire, staring up at the star-filled Colorado night sky. First, I started laughing to myself because I was thinking about how, four years earlier (when I was at camp as an athlete), I laid in that exact same spot, feeling very overwhelmed and a little confused. I had never been in a Christian environment before and, honestly, I thought the people were a little crazy. Really nice...but weird. Then I started to cry to myself because I was thinking about how, three years earlier (my second time at camp as an athlete), I laid in that same spot, staring up at those same stars. My heart felt like it was being ripped into two different directions, but I finally decided that if I was going to really follow Jesus I couldn't do it half-heartedly anymore. It was all or nothing. And I chose ALL.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you the lights went on, everything made sense, and it was easy from there on out. That would be a lie. And I'm not going to tell you that I haven't messed up. That would also be a lie. But I will tell you that I have never, not for one day, regretted that decision I made. Through lots of reading and praying and crying and the guidance & patience of others, God has seriously done a miracle work in my life over the last three years. God doesn't ever let me forget who I was before He changed me and I'm very thankful for that...I don't ever want to forget, because I don't ever want to think that I don't need Him.

That, my friends, is how I crashed into the life that is truly life.

I looked around at all the faces. I only got to know a few of them, but they all have a story. Many lives had been changed, some without them even knowing it. It was awesome to be on staff at camp and to be there to guide/mentor some of the athletes. Just as other people had loved me and shown me who the Jesus of the Bible is, I was given the chance to do the same. Humbling. That's the only word, because I quickly realized that most of the issues people were dealing with are so beyond anything I could say or do. I can't "fix." That's Jesus' work. I can just love and point them to what God says is true and He does the rest.

I want to tell you stories. But there are just too many. Open up the Bible and read one of the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). I can tell you that those people you will read about...those are the athletes I met at camp. I can also tell you that those people are me and they are you.

It's a beautiful day for God to change a life. Thank you, God, that you don't need me but you use me anyway.

Blue eyes and the touch of freedom.

"On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God." - Luke 13: 10-13

This woman doesn't have a name, but I have met her. For the sake of this post she will be named "Hope." This is a true story about how this gospel passage has jumped off the pages and into my life. Let me introduce you...

This woman (in the passage) has been "bent" for eighteen years. In another translation it says she was "bowed together," meaning she literally couldn't stand up straight. She was crippled and the only thing she could see, her entire life, was the dirt on the ground.  How painful. How degrading. How insignificant she must have felt.

For Hope, drugs, alcohol, and various forms of self-destruction were her "bent." On the outside she was perfect. A great athlete, straight-A student, 'perfect' family, and she was 'the life of the party.' On the inside...her heart was contorted beyond even her own recognition. Trying so hard to gain significance. She had faked out so many other people she had even faked herself out. And ironically (or not?)...all of this at the age of eighteen. 

Jesus is teaching and, out of the corner of his eye, he sees the woman. He doesn't stare at her with disgust. He sees her. Past the mangled mess. Into her.

Last June, Jesus saw Hope. He didn't see her the way you and I might have looked at her. He saw past the facade and into the heart that was screaming for life. I'm telling you, he saw her in a way that she felt it. 

Jesus called the woman forward. He didn't ignore or insult her. He says, "come to me." She probably couldn't see him, but I wonder if she could recognize her Savior's voice. Even more than that, he gives her FREEDOM. At this point, she is "freed," yet she is still crippled. So, what is the freedom Jesus is referring to? Kinda reminds me of another story where Jesus heals a paralytic. In Matthew 9, Jesus says to the crippled man: "Take heart, son: your sins are forgiven." The pharisees start to grumble and complain, to which Jesus replies, "Which is easier: to say 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins...Get up and walk." So, freedom comes not from our physical appearance, but from the grace that only Jesus can give...for our sins.

Jesus whispered, "Hope, come to me. Your sins are forgiven." The outward destruction that consumed her life didn't stop...yet. But something in her heart clicked. Or rather, a small flame was lit. For the first time in her life, she knew what real, genuine love felt like. The significance she had longed for and searched for had finally been found. 

Jesus touches the woman. Immediately she stands up, for the first time in eighteen years. The first person she gets to lock eyes with are the eyes of Jesus. Then she proceeds with the only proper response: praising God, skipping and dancing without shame, through the streets (my own interpretation). 

Jesus walked up to Hope and slowly, over the course of a few months, wrapped his arms around her. For the first time in eighteen years, Hope began to let go. Life is definitely not perfect and not always easy, but addictions and destruction have slowly become things of the past. I have literally watched real healing, drastic life change, and freedom from things that were going to kill her. No joke.

When I talk to Hope I see a glow. It's not just life...it is a daughter who has come alive. This is not just a story on a page. She has a name. She has a face. She is significant. 

Jesus looked Hope square in the eyes and her response was much the same as the woman. A little singing. A little dancing. A little crying. A heart and a life transformed and passionate to not just tell, but to show the world who Jesus is and how legit his healing and love really are. The small flame has become a forest fire.

This HOPE has changed my life. Look around, because I think you probably know her, and that HOPE will change yours.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13

Desperately undone.

"As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. 'Who touched me?' Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, 'Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.' But Jesus said, 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.' Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.'"
- Luke 8: 42b-48


I love this story because it's about our need. This story of the sick woman (she had been bleeding for 12 years!) is a story about us. It is also a story of the gospel: our need for Someone to save us. 


Jesus doesn't discriminate. He is on his way to the home of a wealthy ruler when he is "interrupted" by this very poor, sick woman. He doesn't hesitate for a second to find the woman in the crowd and heal her. He could have easily continued walking, ignoring her in order to stick  to his "schedule." 


Schedule...hahaha. Nothing in life is random. I think about the little "interruptions" I have in my day and how annoyed I get when my 'plan' is ruined. What a joke. These are actually divine opportunities for God to love his hurting people. 


What does Jesus do first? He heals her physically. She reaches out to grab his cloak and, the instant she touches it, her bleeding stops. Twelve years of bleeding stops in the blink of an eye. That's power. 


Verse 47 is my favorite one in this passage. Jesus turns around to find where his "power had gone out from him," but the woman hides in the crowd. Then, seeing that she CANNOT GO UNNOTICED...FALLS AT HIS FEET. The woman sees her NEED and knows that she can't hide from the King of kings. She is nervous and apprehensive, yet she doesn't say a word. What does she do? She just falls at his feet, vulnerable and exposed. So, now what does he do? He heals her soul. He calls her "daughter." What comfort and freedom she must have felt to know that she is now his. 


We may not be literally bleeding, but everyone's soul is starving. This woman is in a state of desperation. Not until we see our own need will we reach out to grab Jesus' cloak. The crazy thing is that we are desperate, but we're too busy hiding in the crowd- behind people and behind ourselves- to let Jesus heal us. 


Be relentlessly suspicious about your comfortable, satisfying life.


You'll meet Jesus when you need him as much as you need AIR.  


DESPERATION is the standard and reaching for his cloak is the only way. 

Beautiful mess.

Couldn't God have found someone better?

I ask myself this question as I think about how often I mess up. When I actually sit down and evaluate my life- wait, that's overwhelming. When I sit down to evaluate my day it becomes quickly apparent that I say the wrong things sometimes, fail to do something when I should, give bad advice/guidance to people, make stupid decisions, etc.

I see, daily, that God uses my imperfection to bring about His perfection. It still doesn't make sense to me.

Seriously, God, why me?...

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:10

When I was reading this passage the other day it brought two thoughts into my head. First, that God is the artist. We are His "workmanship" which, according to Webster, is "something made or produced; the quality imparted to a thing in the process of making." This isn't about me. I am the canvas, I can't make myself. God is the one who literally imparts His qualities (love, grace, peace, gentleness, etc.) into me and also through me (i.e. "to do good works").

The second thing that came to mind is that the most beautiful things about art are the quirks and imperfections in it. I do ridiculous, selfish, unloving things sometimes- no, a lot of times. Through encounters with other people, (amidst my disobedience and selfishness, even as a child of God), people are still brought to repentance. God uses me despite my personality.

But He also actually uses me because of my personality. As J.I. Packer writes, "It is a staggering thing, but it is true- the relationship in which sinful human beings KNOW GOD is one in which God, so to speak, takes them onto His staff, to be henceforth His fellow workers and personal friends. From being Satan's prisoner, you find yourself transferred to a position of trust in the service of God." He created us each with unique personalities. We have to fight against these personalities every day because we want to do what WE want to do, not what HE wants to do. The amazing thing about all this is that because of the way we were made- imperfections and all- God can use us to show His own beauty to those around us.

Bent. Chipped. Blotched. Uneven. Inconsistent. Broken.

MASTERPIECE.

My heart turns violently inside of my chest.

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ...So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world. But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir." - Galatians 3:26-27...4:3-7


These verses scream two Truths to me: freedom and adoption. Right now, I want to focus on the Truth that, if we have placed our faith in Jesus, we are ADOPTED into the family of God. 


The gospel tells us that we are all sinful people but that, because of God's unbelievable love for us, He sent His son to die in place of our sins. If we choose to believe in and follow Jesus, we receive the blessing that we don't deserve. The blessing is that of eternal life, which starts now and goes on into eternity, as we worship and glorify God in everything we do. Not only are we forgiven but we are, by grace, given the gift of "sonship" or, in other words, we are adopted into God's family. God literally becomes our Father.  "We do not fully feel the wonder of the passage from death to life which takes place in the new birth till we see it as a transition, not simply out of condemnation into acceptance, but out of bondage and destitution into the safety, certainty, and enjoyment of the family of God" (J.I. Packer). Because of this adoption, Christianity is not a religion but an actual, meaningful, loving relationship. 


The knowledge of this love and acceptance through adoption should radically change us and it should bleed into every facet of our lives. Without this adoption, we are orphans- lost and confused. With it, we are given a new identity as a Child of God- and now God treats us as if we have done everything Jesus has done. In the words of Tim Keller: "We are given freedom from liability and rights as sons. If we only think Christ has pardoned us and removed legal liability we are only "half-saved by grace" (requiring us to earn and maintain God's favor and rewards)...but Jesus also gives us the blessing he deserved- we are received and welcomed as heroes." 


Isn't that crazy? God sees Jesus INSIDE of us. We become His "sons" and have access to all the blessings and all the joy that radiates from such a Holy God. The only way, I think, to understand our adoption is to continually see how sinful we are. God requires humility from His children. The second we lose our humility is when we either stray from our Father and His grace, or we turn to "religion" and rule-following. Either way, we become our own savior, trying either to fill our void with an idol or trying to earn our way into the Kingdom by being 'good' and never 'messing up.' Both of these roads will lead to destruction and they will tear us apart. 


Which brings me back to grace. It is by GRACE we have been saved and it is by GRACE that we continue to live and change from the inside out. I just can't get over how amazing it is that God "will not leave us as orphans" (John 14:18).


Instead, He stands on the front porch. As we humbly walk up the driveway, knowing that we can't do it on our own nor with the help of any drug/person/achievement/etc., ...He walks out to meet us- not to reprimand us or say 'I told you so'- but only to HUG us. A loving Father waiting for His messed-up child to come home. Yet, when He looks into our eyes, He sees the beauty of a pure heart. 


"Grace taught my soul to pray,
And pardoning love to know;
'Twas grace that kept me to this day,
And will not let me go." - Unknown




(The previous thoughts were inspired by: "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer and the "For Freedom..." Bible study on the book of Galatians, by Timothy Keller.)

Disrupt us.

I was asked the other day whether or not it bothered and angered me to be ministering at Wake Forest University- where, inside the gated campus, there is extreme wealth, as well as some of the most highly educated people in the country.

I went to Los Angeles 2 years ago where I spent time with the poorest of the poor. The only gates I can remember were the ones at Nickerson Gardens (the projects), which kept gang members out and kept me alive.

So, how do I go from project-housing and poverty to one of the most prestigious universities in the country, and not get annoyed?

I looked at her and smiled a little bit for asking the question, because it's something that I have definitely thought about. The things I saw and people I interacted with in Los Angeles have been branded onto my heart and I can't help but think about them as I drive onto Wake's campus each day. I had two things to say in response...

First: I'm rich, too. I may not be rich compared to people around me but I am sickeningly rich compared to the majority of the world that lives on less than $2 a day. I've been told that the NUMBER ONE way to determine a person's spiritual life is by THEIR WALLET. So, before I look to the person next to me...what does my own wallet look like?

Second: When I look into the eyes of the students and athletes that I work with everyday, I see the same eyes that stared back at me as I walked on the streets of Skid Row. Same eyes, newer clothes. Same eyes, bigger house. Same eyes, thicker wallet. Same eyes, different lifestyle.

Same eyes...same lostness...same confusion.

Wake Forest is Skid Row with money. Our whole country is Skid Row with money. I love being at Wake just as much as I loved being on Skid Row. It's about the people. All of them are searching. They all want to be known and loved. The poverty doesn't do it, the wealth doesn't do it...only Jesus can give what the souls behind all of those eyes are screaming for. LIFE.

So, how can I NOT love them the same? Rich or poor, every heart is starving.

"I don’t know the suffering of people outside my front door
I join the oppressors of those who i choose to ignore
I’m trading comfort for human life
and that’s not just murder it’s suicide
this too shall be made right..." - Derek Webb ('This too Shall be Made Right')

Sound the alarm in my SOUL.

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

- Phillipians 3: 8-9

The Gospel is so simple yet so complicated. It's not just a one-time thing. It's a living thing. We don't ever really get "beyond" the Gospel....because the Gospel is IT. We must realize, everyday, that we are more flawed and wicked than we ever dared believe, and more accepted and loved than we ever dared hope. I never want to lose sight of how DESPERATE I am for God's grace.

Our world functions on a "works-righteousness" mentality, but the Gospel- the true Gospel- is about finding our justification in Jesus. How do you gain approval? What is your justification rooted in? If it's "Jesus plus something else" it's not the Gospel. I can't "try harder" and/or "do better." If I could do that then Jesus' death was pointless and I become my own Savior. But what does God say? Well....each and every one of us is really, insanely messed up, no matter how "good" we are. So, not only does He say, "you're forgiven," but He also says, "you are freely-justified." This is amazing because He is telling us to COME TO HIM and that we are WELCOME TO ALL HIS LOVE AND JOY."

Isn't that beautiful? I'm a sinner and I need Jesus. Therefore, I am TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON THE GRACE OF GOD.

The Gospel (this GREAT news!) cuts right to the heart. It doesn't deal with the symptoms...it actually deals with the heart-issue. We all know there is something wrong with us but we can't stand being "exposed." Everybody is finding justification in something (gold medals, art, music, children, food, friends, control, people-pleasing, sex, drugs, etc.) We need to ask ourselves (constantly): HOW AM I GETTING APPROVAL/JUSTIFICATION? And then we need to realize that, without Jesus, we will never be "good enough." In our own strength we fall so far short it's not even funny. With Jesus we are FREE to take a deep breath, admit our failures, and pick up the grace that is sitting at our feet.

Stop trying. Accept the gift. Love recklessly.

Laughter is good for the soul.

I've been here at Wake for almost 2 months and I'm starting to settle in and get into the swing of things. As I said last time, it was a little rough start (it always is when moving to a new place). Now, we have been mentoring/discipling a few of the girls (one soccer player, and 2 field hockey players). We meet with each of them, separately, once a week and talk about life and/or go through some sort of Bible study. We are also starting a Bible study for the field hockey team. A few of them came over for dinner the other night and we had a lot of fun....just eating pizza and hanging out! They are an awesome group of girls and I'm excited to get to know them more! Just fyi...they are ranked #4 in the country. I'm just sayin'. :)

Last week we went to Krispy Kreme and bought 2 dozen donuts to hand out on campus. I never thought handing out free donuts could be so humbling: by 10:00am I had already been rejected at least 25 times. But here are my 3 favorite reactions to a free donut...

"A FREE donut!?! Heck yea I want a free donut!!! What's wrong with all these people? How can you not want a free donut? This just made my day!!!"

"Who are you? Are you promoting something? It's free? What did you do to it? Are these safe? So...it's free? Ok, I'll take one."

"A free donut? Are you serious? What's the catch? ...Wait, what do you mean there's no catch?"

That first response was great because the lady was so overly excited about a donut. But my favorite are the last two. They are my favorite because of how CONFUSED those two people were. Free? You mean you don't want something from me? Not to overanalyze a box of donuts but, this is how Jesus makes me feel. I'm forgiven without having to "do" anything? Grace is free? Yes. Absolutely. He calls us to love like this. What if people had these responses to the way we LOVE them? What if we lived like the true hands and feet of Jesus? People wouldn't know what to do because the hug we give them or the word of encouragement we say to them won't actually be from us...it's from Him. He is the source and we are just the vessels.

Love people in a way that confuses them.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe." - Phillippians 2: 14-15

Wildcat turned Demon Deacon...?

No more blue and white. Just gold and black now. 

I've been here at Wake Forest for a little over a month. Let me just be honest and start by saying that it isn't easy adjusting to a new place. It's like starting at square one...you are always lost and everyone you meet is new. At the same time....I have absolutely loved my time here so far! It's a cute city and the University is amazing. There are only 4500 students, so it has a small school atmosphere with big time athletics. The weather is beautiful...sunshine and 80 degrees almost everyday!

First thing I am learning: I don't know how to make friends. I'm kind of joking, kind of not. I mean, I've been on some sort of team my entire life up until last year. I have had 30 instant-friends around me all through college. Now I actually have to put myself out there. Dang. Ok, it's not that bad, haha, but it's just different being on the "other side" of things. I'm an outsider. A nobody. I'm not an athlete anymore. I'm not at UK anymore. So I just have to be patient in building new friendships because it takes time. But I do love meeting new people...everyone is so unique and it's exciting meeting all kinds of new personalities. 

I am also learning a lot about the HEART. Not the anatomical one. But the one where all of our feelings are. AND all of our wounds. The place that we like to guard but that we must open up to allow for healing. And Jesus wants ALL of it. It's easy to become numb to life. But I want to LIVE and FEEL. It's not easy. In fact, it's probably going to be painful...but totally worth it. We are all hurting in some way. We have got to let Jesus dig deep into the places in our heart that we have shut down because, whether we realize it or not, those places are keeping us in some type of bondage. We all have broken hearts...literally. But the cracks let the light come in. We are called to be FREE from anything and everything. This is hard to grasp because nearly everything on earth can be some sort of "chain." This means that we have to continue to be real with ourselves, with God, and with those closest to us. Somewhere along the line we have just got to trust. It's scary but it's also the most amazing thing in the world: to let more and more of your heart be redeemed by the only One who knows who you truly are. 

As I talk to my friends back at UK (who I miss dearly), I have been so encouraged to hear what's going on there. I had the chance to pour my life into some of the athletes there and now THEY are the ones leading! How sweet is that?! It's Jesus...and it's a ripple effect. They are passionate and it's contagious. People see how their life has changed and they want the same thing. As someone once told me, "The Spirit is attractive." :)

One more thing. We don't need to "do" anything. I hear people say how they need to "do better" or "try harder." No. That's crap. All we need to do is have faith...even if it's as small and weak as a freaking mustard seed. God tells only to come to Him. As we do this, he drowns us in his love and grace. That means it's never ending. Drink it up. 

I lied...one more thing. I don't want to "walk" with God. I want to SPRINT towards Him. Is anyone else coming with me?

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may find grace and receive mercy in our time of need." -Hebrews 4:16

Where the heck are we?!?!

It's August. But I promise you that, just yesterday, it was May.

About a week ago, I walked out of my house on Woodland Avenue for the last time. But I promise you that, just yesterday, I was deciding how I was going to get my bed and dresser up that narrow stairway and which pictures I should hang on my wall.

Oh, life :)

This summer has gone by incredibly fast (as usual) and I am still processing through all the stuff I have experienced, which I will get to in a second. The summer culminated with a road trip up to Ohio and then to Kentucky to move out of my college house and on with life. A girl that I played soccer with this summer made the road trip with me. She grew up in San Diego. At one point as we were driving, one of her friends from Cali called her and asked what she was doing. She said that we were driving through Ohio to Kentucky. The girl on the phone said, "Where is that?!" She responded by saying, "I have no idea!" It was at this point that I realized I should never bring a Californian to KENTUCKY. Needless to say, I couldn't really turn around and we had a hilarious trip as she experienced the Bluegrass for the first time ever. It was full of sideways rain, horse parks, creepy old men, and SAND volleyball (which she made clear, since there is definitely no beach!)

One of the things I am learning, and will continue to learn for the rest of my life is what genuine "community" actually is. Transparency and vulnerability are 2 words that are often thrown around in regards to community. There are so many different types of people in the world and we are each so unique in our own way. I think that's awesome and beautiful because each person is a little piece of who God is. At the same time, this can also be frustrating to find people who we truly connect with. You know, people who are "picking up what we are laying down." Which is why I think that it's imperative to have people in your life to challenge and encourage you. People that you have deep, truly meaningful relationships with. People you can be real with. Because, honestly, the "surfacy" relationships just aren't going to cut it. It's not how Jesus calls us to live. These relationships take effort and risk...so be BOLD. :)

I'm also learning about gentleness. Words hurt and can pierce like a sword. As women, I think we really know how to use our words to cut others down. With as much as I love people and enjoy getting to know them, I can also be extremely critical. When I looked the word "critical" up in the thesaurus, one of the synonyms used was CRUCIFY. Dang. Jesus was crucified: nailed to a cross, beaten, pierced. So, as I'm criticizing, I'm doing the same to others. Instead of seeing them as Jesus sees them- lost, broken people looking for Truth- I'm not even giving them a chance and, in a sense, denying them forgiveness and redemption. That's pretty convicting. It's a process but, I want what I say to people to only build them up. While words have the ability to destroy, they also have a beautiful way of empowering others. It's about speaking Truth...encouraging others and making sure they feel God's Love THROUGH me.

"LET YOUR GENTLENESS BE EVIDENT TO ALL. THE LORD IS NEAR." -Philippians 4:5